DO: Try to pick up garbage.
DO NOT: Try to pick up women with fun, earth-day-themed pick-up lines like “Are you garbage? Because I’m trying to pick you up!” or “I read an article that said we should shower together.”
DO: Try to reduce your carbon footprint by consuming less carbon.
DO NOT: Try to reduce your carbon footprint by binding your carbon foot.
DO: A “billion acts of green,” like the Earth Day Web site says.
DO NOT: A “billion acts of green” like the 4/20 poster says.
DO: Plant a tree.
DO NOT: Plant a tree if that tree could be used as evidence of murder.
DO: Celebrate Earth Day by going outside and enjoying nature.
DO NOT: Celebrate Earth Day by offering free shipping. This is like celebrating your grandfather’s birthday by urging everyone to punch him, gently.
DO: Swim with the dolphins.
DO NOT: Swim with the dauphin!
DO: Take shorter showers.
DO NOT: Use this as an excuse to stop showering, Carl.
DO: Show respect for people who are celebrating Good Friday today.
DO NOT: Try to work Earth Day into conversation with people on Good Friday by saying things like, “Can you believe what they did to that poor tree two thousand years ago?”
DO: Conserve water.
DO NOT: Hoard water.
DO: Go green by using less energy!
DO NOT: Go green by getting very, very angry.
DO: Try to spread awareness of Earth Day through music!
DO NOT: Earth Day, Earth Day, getting down on Earth Day, Earth Day! We, we so excited! We so excited. We, we gonna have a ball today.