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Posted at 11:55 AM ET, 11/16/2012

Spare the Twinkie, Hostess


Mmm? (AP)

Twinkies were supposed to outlast us.

Worlds and civilizations and all the greatest works of mankind would pass away, and all that remained of this planet would be a lonely cockroach, chewing meditatively on a Twinkie.

The Twinkie was supposed to outlast the cockroach, too.

So now that Hostess, in the face of strikes, has announced that it is liquidating and will start selling its assets, including its inimitable Twinkie, I have to reevaluate all my fundamental assumptions about life. If Twinkie can fall like this, to strikes, then is it truly possible to create a work that will stand the test of time? Maybe I should chuck it all and go live on a sailboat.

I feel, surveying the wreck of Twinkies, the way Ozymandias would probably feel gazing on the vast and level sands stretching far away. So much for human effort. So much for humanity’s one lasting monument! You might smash the David with a giant sledgehammer. You could paint over the Mona Lisa. But I defy you to do anything to a Twinkie that will get rid of it. No, the only way to get rid of a Twinkie was to eat it. And consequently the Twinkie was guaranteed to linger.

I thought it would be nutrition standards that did the Twinkie in. I thought it would be — sheer carelessness on the part of the human race, ending ourselves by accident by hitting the wrong button. I thought we’d be hit by an asteroid. I never thought the Twinkie would be the first to go. No parent should have to bury its Twinkie.

In general, I defy you to rid yourself of a Twinkie. They linger like meddlesome, high corn-starch ghosts. They outlive parrots. And parrots outlive everyone. I had a Twinkie sit ominously on the edge of my desk croaking “Nevermore” all through college. I nuked a fridge containing Twinkies and Indiana Jones, and only the Twinkies survived. My point is, these things are indestructible.

They have been around since 1930, some of them literally. They remember the Hoover era.

Was a strike really all it took to end this institution? They survived the Great Depression. The Twinkies are members of the Greatest Generation.

Maybe another company will buy them, and the cakes will go on. But Hostess Twinkies are definitely no more. Not to mention all the company’s other indestructible sponge cakes and breadlike substances, all of which sound like sexist ways to summon your secretary. Ding Dong? Wonder Bread? I thought those might perish.

I didn’t realize you could get rid of Twinkies so easily. It’s a sad day.

By  |  11:55 AM ET, 11/16/2012

 
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