As usual, it began with an Apple.
But this one was far more tempting — no worms, cleaner lines, admittedly some problems with battery life, but why look a gift apple in the mouth?
And it managed to tempt even the Westboro Baptist Church, the despicable band of publicity hounds who appear at the funerals of all and sundry to urge us to repent, or something. Now they’re planning to picket the funeral of Steve Jobs.
“Westboro will picket his funeral. He had a huge platform; gave God no glory & taught sin,” Margie Phelps tweeted — from her iPhone.
That’s iRony for you.
“Gave God no glory & taught sin”?
But coveting Apple products is the original sin. Jobs was hardly breaking ground by making an irresistible Apple that held out the promise of new, untried knowledge. (Did you realize, before downloading this app, that you were naked?)
If the Westboro Baptist Church had been around in Edenic times, they might have been able to resist God’s apple. You couldn’t even play Angry Birds on it.
But Jobs’s Apple proved too much. The interface was just so intuitive!
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. The Westboro Baptists are justly infamous — never have I looked forward to anyone’s funeral with such unqualified enthusiasm. You know that an organization has hit the absolute limit when Ku Klux Klan members show up to protest that they have gone too far.
If anything could convince me that there is no God (Christopher Hitchens’s collected works and the continuing popularity of Justin Bieber aside), it might be the uninterrupted existence of the Westboro Baptist Church.
I realize that there are more important things on God’s hands (you think Occupy Wall Street is bad, you should see the protests currently occurring on Gliese 581 G), but really, this is why thunderbolts were invented.
We tried turning the other cheek. We tried passing laws. None of it worked.
They are the Publicity Whores of Babylon. If Jesus came back to earth no doubt they would protest at his crucifixion that he had not led a godly enough life (what’s he doing with all those prostitutes and tax collectors?). “Get a haircut!” they’d yell. “And spend more time denouncing homosexuality and less time with that namby-pamby other-cheek-turning nonsense!” They are like the folks in the parable who stand at the front of the house of worship and loudly proclaim their own virtue — and we all know what happens to them.
But even they can be felled by an Apple.
Thanks once more to Steve Jobs for supplying this brilliant piece of irony.