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Posted at 12:57 PM ET, 06/18/2012

Supreme Court verdict on health care: What to expect when you’re expecting


Unclear. (Pablo Martinez Monsivais - Associated Press)
The waiting gets to you.

For the past few weeks, all eyes have been fixed on the Supreme Court to determine how it will rule on the president’s 2010 health-care law. Will the individual mandate be upheld? Will it be overturned? Will the whole law sink if the mandate meets the ax, or will individual sections survive?

We have been running stopwatches and using magnifying glasses. We have been inquiring of psychics and gazing at tea leaves. The ruling is not expected before June 23. “When you walk away from me,” people murmur to Justice Antonin Scalia, “it looks like a no, but when you walk towards me, it has a yes-like vibe to it.” It’s getting a bit ridiculous.

Here are some of the signs. See if you can make heads or tails of them! Especially the ones about Justice Anthony Kennedy. But hurry, we only have until the 23rd!

Justice Scalia spotted buying large quantities of bacon. “It seems unlikely that he would do that if the health-care individual mandate were going to be upheld,” experts noted. “Maybe he just likes bacon,” countered supporters of the bill.

Verdict: unclear.

Justice Scalia yelled at some pigeons.

Verdict: uphold.

Justice Elena Kagan was spotted buying bacon and Brussels sprouts.

Verdict: unclear.

Justice Stephen Breyer saw “Prometheus” and said he was disappointed but that he could not deny Michael Fassbender’s performance was excellent.

Verdict: Some portions of the bill overturned, but others upheld.

Breyer sighed and noted, “I wouldn’t see it again, though.”

Verdict: unclear.

Someone arrived at Justice Kennedy’s doorstep with a 64-carton shipment of small blue pills.

Verdict: overturn.

Justice Kennedy, on opening the door, scowled and yelled, “I didn’t order these!”

Verdict: uphold.

Justice Kennedy kept half the boxes, and everyone agreed not to make a fuss about it.

Verdict: unclear.

Justice Kennedy took his wife for a hot-air balloon ride and sprinkled confetti into the treetops.

Verdict: overturn.

Justice Kennedy went for a jog.

Verdict: uphold.

Justice Kennedy spent Saturday sitting on his sofa catching up on “Girls.”

Verdict: uphold.

Justice Kennedy called Justice Kagan and was heard asking her, “So what do you make of Jessa’s wedding?”

Verdict: overturn.

Justice Kennedy was overheard in a bar tearfully calling an old girlfriend and mumbling, “I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Sandy,” over and over.

Verdict: unclear.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor delivered a commencement address in which she used the expression “man date” several times in what seemed like a meaningful fashion.

Verdict: unclear.

If you play “Strawberry Fields Forever” backwards you can hear Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg saying, “We overturned the mandate,” very quietly.

Verdict: unclear.

-Justice Kagan spent most of the weekend taking her cat to the vet. She seemed pretty disgruntled. 

Verdict: overturn.

-Justice Alito was heard placing several calls to his wife and repeating the phrase, “Are you sure it wasn’t the 24th? I really think it was the 24th. Please don’t be upset.”

Verdict: unclear, but sounds like an overturn.

Justice Alito bought a large quantity of chocolate.

Verdict: overturn.

Justice Alito bought a large quantity of flowers.

Verdict: uphold.

Justice Alito bought two tickets to Cirque de Soleil.

Verdict: unclear.

Justice John Roberts bought a lot of health insurance and kept cackling to himself.

Verdict: unclear.

Justice Breyer spent the weekend surprising his close friends with hip replacements.

Verdict: unclear.

Justice Scalia yelled at some mourning doves.

Verdict: uphold.

It turns out that Justice Clarence Thomas has been sending a fully articulated wax replica of himself to the oral arguments for the past decade. He is spear-fishing off the Cap D’Antibes.

Verdict: unclear.

This piece has been updated.

By  |  12:57 PM ET, 06/18/2012

Tags:  SCOTUS

 
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