●On a ship in a storm, who would you rather have as the captain, Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
(This is an actual Washington Post/ABC News poll question. 46 percent of respondents picked Obama; 43 percent picked Romney.)
●On a ship, but not in a storm, who would you rather have as the captain?
●On a ship in basically fine weather with a slight hint of rain, who would you rather have as the captain?
●On a ship in a storm being pursued by the Kraken, who would you rather have as the captain? Keep in mind that Mitt Romney’s father was good friends with Poseidon.
●Okay, fine. On a ship in a storm, which of the two candidates has more sons?
●On a ship with a fox, a chicken, and a sack of grain that you need to transport to the other side of a river, who would you rather have as the captain?
●If you had no one to accompany you to a wedding and had to get one of the candidates to pose as your date, which would you take?
●If you had to hide a body, whom would you call first?
●From which candidate would you rather borrow exactly $6?
●Whose mother do you think loved him more?
●Who do you think would make a more loyal friend? (Regrettably, this one is also a Washington Post/ABC News poll question. 50 percent picked Obama. 36 percent picked Romney.)
●If you were gay, which candidate would you tell first?
●If you weren’t gay, whom would you tell first?
●Which candidate would complain less about helping you move?
●On a ship in a storm, if you had to draw one of the two candidates nude in a diamond necklace, whom would you choose?
●After the ship in a storm sinks, you are floating on a door with room for one more person but only one more person. Which candidate do you invite to share the door with you?
●Who would you prefer to have take care of you if you were sick? (Yep, this one’s real too. 49 percent picked Obama, 36 percent Romney.)
●You are on an expedition in search of the tomb of Tutankhamun, accompanied by your assistant Kevin and his trained marmoset. But when you arrive at the excavation site a few days late, Kevin is nowhere to be found! Which candidate accompanies you into the desert to search for answers?
●It can get awfully lonely in the big city. Sometimes you wonder why you even bother. You have heard the chimes at midnight. Sometimes you just need to hear a human voice, any voice at all, to keep you from losing it. Whose?
●You’re a private eye, working out of a cheap office on nothing but a drawer full of bourbon. One day, trouble blows through the door. A brunette, as usual. Which candidate’s otherwise promising career as a writer has she blighted with her salacious lifestyle?
●Instead of cursing, you have to shout one of the candidate’s names whenever you’re angry. Whose do you choose?
●You’re on your honeymoon, and the car breaks down. Your husband leaves to get help, leaving you locked in the car. You hear a horrible scraping sound on the outside of the car and see one of the candidates running towards you, mouthing something you cannot understand and looking terrified. Is it Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
●Would you rather live with Mitt Romney in a world where all the other people are spiders, or live with Barack Obama in a world where you are a spider?
●Would you rather be famous, successful and a big star under President Mitt Romney but die at 18, or an ordinary person who dies at a normal age under Barack Obama?
●Would you rather live in a world without color under Mitt Romney or live in a world without music under Barack Obama?
●Your name is Sophie Zawistowska. Of the two candidates for presi- . . . hello? Hello?