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Posted at 12:48 PM ET, 11/07/2012

The secret Obama second-term agenda

Well, it’s the morning after. America is waking up and blinking repeatedly at the new day and trying to figure out where its socks went. Chicago just got to bed a few minutes ago.

And that can mean only one thing: It’s time to whip out the secret Obama Second-Term Agenda.

There’s a reason all those people on Twitter are urging us to begin the process of impeaching the president. It is not because they are sore losers with a limited grasp of spelling. That may be true also, but it is irrelevant. It is because they know what he’s up to.

Now, with America still lurching groggily around its kitchen, it’s time for the Once and Future President to unleash the horde of things he has always had in store but was not prepared to tell us.

We always feared, yet somehow knew, this would happen. Here, in its entirety, is the plan.

-Enact sharia law, but a modified, oddly specific version of sharia law that mandates gay marriage for everyone.

-Divorce Michelle. Wed Vladi­mir Putin.

-Death panels.

-Transform America into socialist Europe, state by state, starting by swapping Texas with France.

-High-speed rail everywhere, but only to transport plucky conservative youngsters to the first annual Hunger Games.

-Demand sacrifice of at least one Romney son “so that the ships can sail.”

-Whip out full birth certificate, revealing not only that he was not born in America, but that his original name is a series of Unpronounceable Symbols which, when uttered and translated, spell the End of Days.

-Replace Joe Biden with Cthulhu.

-Refuse to pardon any more turkeys.

-Stop feigning any interest in sports, let self go, sit around White House in sweatpants watching marathons of “Law and Order: SVU,” pausing occasionally to nationalize an industry.

-Punish people for success, by public pillorying and thumbscrews.

-Go on “vision quest.” Change name to “Barack Lion.”

-Replace Cabinet with members of the Choom Gang.

-Replace Malia and Sasha with drones.

-Wage War on Christmas, aimed at replacing Christmas with “Redistribution Day,” when children of parents with a combined household income of more than $500,000 have their clothing and toys taken away from them and given to the More Deserving.

-Open the borders, but if anyone wishes passersby a “Merry Christmas” or is seen exiting a house of worship, deport him.

-Come out strongly in favor of interspecies marriage.

-Mandate new kindergarten curriculum reminding all children that “if you aren’t gay, you’ve let America down.”

-Replace all churches with Temples of Science, where children are handed free contraception by climate-change advocates dressed as feathered dinosaurs.

-End future State of the Union speeches with “God Damn America, if there IS a God.”

-Sap people’s initiative, insist they become dependent on government, telephone small-business owners late at night and breathe heavily into phone.

-Eat the Internet.

-Divorce Vladi­mir Putin. Wed Bo.

-Raise the level of the oceans.

By  |  12:48 PM ET, 11/07/2012

 
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