Donald Trump claims that he has a piece of “big news” about President Obama that might change the course of the election.
Here is what I assume this big news is, lest you be forced to actually listen to Donald Trump.
● After Lance Armstrong lost his titles, President Obama is actually the winner of the Tour de France, as the only person who has gotten on a bicycle without chemical assistance in the past ten years.
● They found a shiny object on the surface of Mars and DONALD TRUMP IS PRETTY SURE THIS PROVES PRESIDENT OBAMA IS AN ALIEN LIZARDMAN NOT TO BE TRUSTED!
● HEY DID EVERYONE REALIZE MONDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY? FOR DONALD TRUMP, EVERY DAY IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY.
● Donald Trump had a thought about President Obama that was going to be very exciting and change the election but then he went back to bed without writing it down.
● Donald Trump would like to invite President Obama to take up residence in his hair if the election goes badly.
● Donald Trump knows how to unskew the polls.
● Donald Trump is a wildebeest and he thinks this is relevant to the election somehow.
● Donald Trump fell in a forest the other day and it made a HUGE SOUND! HUGE!
● If you stare into a mirror and repeat “Donald Trump” over and over again, you probably are Donald Trump.
● Donald Trump is worried that Americans will be swayed by Honey Boo Boo’s endorsement of President Obama. That is ridiculous! Honey Boo Boo is frivolous and seven. Donald Trump, by contrast, is a very serious person with serious political opinions who is not seven, and he has endorsed Mitt Romney. Donald Trump wants to make sure you know that.
Here is what it most likely is:
● Donald Trump has a crackpot theory about President Obama that will draw more attention to Donald Trump.
If I mentioned his name one more time in the course of this piece he would appear in person, so this ends now.