wpostServer: http://css.washingtonpost.com/wpost2

Most Read: Opinions

direct signup

Today’s Opinions poll

Should Congress deal with the immigration crisis -- tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors at the border -- before its August recess?

Submit
Next
Review your answers and share
ComPost
About Petri |  Get Updates: On Twitter ComPost on Twitter |  On Facebook Petri on Facebook |  RSS RSS
Posted at 04:34 PM ET, 05/11/2011

The Very Secret Diary of Osama bin Laden: Some excerpts

AP reports that Osama kept a hand-written diary. After receiving this intelligence, I straggled over to Pakistan, tugged the Lisa Frank notebook from the rubble, and transcribed as much as I could before the troops seized it from my warm, living hands. Here are some of the highlights:

Dear Diary,

Googled Rick Santorum today. Why did I DO that? Now I’ll never get that image out of my head.

Dear Diary,

Big day! Plotted some terror.

Really liking the new beard color. Great dye! I wonder if they want me as a spokesperson? Probably not.

Dear Diary,

Plotted some more terror. Sometimes I wonder: Is this all there is to life?

Thinking about a career change. What about finance and investment? I could still ruin a lot of lives, and the hours are better.

Dear Diary,

Getting kind of bored of the terror plotting. Suggested that we plot a flash mob of dancing zombies instead, to show versatility. No takers. People need to lighten up and enjoy themselves more!

Ordering some T-shirts to boost morale.

Dear Diary,

Plotted a flash mob, just to show everyone who was boss. Group only got into it when I told them there’d be virgins at the end. This is true, because I want it to happen at Comic-Con. Too bad no one will ever read this, or those nerds would see that they’d gotten served.

Dear Diary,

Trying to get someone to bite for my tween book, Are You There, Allah? It’s Me, Osama. All this diary-writing experience has to be good for something! If I get a big advance, I could get a framed portrait of myself for the wall that doesn’t have the TV! I think that would really bring the room together.

Dear Diary,

Got a bunch of I HAT AMERICA T-shirts in the mail today due to a printing error. So much for boosting morale.

Dear Diary,

Today I watched a lot of that late-night religious television network. Thought: What if they’re right and I’m wrong?

Further Thought: If they were wrong, I don’t see how they’d be able to do all those kidney healings on live TV.

Dear Diary,

I hope David Brooks knows that, really, all I wanted was to be loved. That, and to bring about the deaths of millions of innocents, but that’s more of a garnish.

Dear Diary,

Pakistani authorities dropped by today to see who lived here. Almost got me! Fortunately I convinced them I was just the world’s least-popular Santa Claus. Whew!

Dear Diary,

I can’t get on Facebook, so I asked Wife Three to poke me. She didn’t seem as into it as I was maybe hoping.

Thought of the Day: What if bears can feel emotions?

Dear Diary,

CAN’T BELIEVE THIS COVERAGE! I love it! I hate it! I can’t tear my eyes away!

The camera really does add 10 pounds. Need to re-dye the beard.

Dear Diary,

Big day in the bunker! Thought about going for a jog, but decided not to. Pakistani authorities called to ask if a Mr. Osama bin Laden lived here. Told them I was Elvis living under an alias; seemed to satisfy them.

Wish I could vote for Bristol Palin on “Dancing with the Stars.” A Bristol Palin victory won’t actually hurt anyone, but it’s the most annoying thing I can think to do to America right now. I’m sort of in a dry spell.

Dear Diary,

This herbal Viagra doesn’t seem to be working, but I think it would sound pathetic if I called them to complain. Right? Right.

Dear Diary,

I’m worried about how Lonesome George, the Galapagos tortoise, hasn’t mated yet. Keep asking Wives One and Two: “What if we run out of tortoises?”

No satisfactory answers.

Dear Diary,

I keep hearing this sound like a helicopter, but maybe that’s just my imagination running wild again. Yesterday I thought I heard Anderson Cooper sneaking in to surprise me with toast and a glass of home-squeezed orange juice, so I can’t really give my imagination that much credit lately.

Nope, that’s definitely a helicopter.

By  |  04:34 PM ET, 05/11/2011

Tags:  Osama bin Laden, diary, parody

 
Read what others are saying
     

    © 2011 The Washington Post Company