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Posted at 05:16 PM ET, 01/24/2012

Top ten things the State of the Union address should say...


The real state of the State of the Union. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais) (Pablo Martinez Monsivais - AP)
What is the real state of the Union?

It won’t be in the speech, that’s for sure, even if Warren Buffett’s secretary is in the audience.

Here are a few topics President Obama probably won’t mention Tuesday night, too busy saying “recovery” and “jobs” and “dream” in order to encourage drinking among viewers at home.

— Bruins goalie Tim Thomas refuses to show up at the White House, insisting that government has grown out of control. Really? This man is a hockey player, a profession where you are urged to sustain a lot of head injuries, and we are supposed to take his political advice? Besides, I’m not sure I want to listen to anyone who turns down an event where it seems likely that there will be free hors d’oeuvres.

— The Oscar nominations have come out. Among the best picture nominees are three movies no one has seen, one that no one has heard, a movie where the Civil Rights movement is a white lady’s idea, two Brad Pitt movies, a Woody Allen movie, a 9/11 movie, and a horse movie. Fortunately, this was a recession year so no one went to movies that did not have Harry Potter in them, and so we will take the Academy’s word for it that those were probably the best.

— In Arkansas, someone killed a family’s cat and left it on their doorstep to send a political message. Unless the message he intended to send was, “I am probably a serial killer,” this did not work quite as planned.

— Newt Gingrich, a man with national popularity levels comparable to cold sores, is somehow back embarrassing the Republican field after a brief dormant period — another quality he shares with cold sores.

— Fred Thompson has just endorsed Gingrich, following in Rick Perry’s foosteps to make him the Candidate Most Endorsed By People America Likes Less Than Mitt Romney.

— D.C. was ruled the third-rudest city in the country, after New York and Miami. “We’re not rude!” D.C. objected, staring down at its Blackberry while it talked to you, “We just have somewhere more important to be and this might be a significant email.”

— Heidi Klum and Seal broke up, proving the one exception to the old saying, “The couple who dresses up as giant skinned skeleton bodies together, stays together.”

— A sign outside a school in New York City spells School “Shcool.” I wish I were making this up. That’s a reassuring statement about the quality of American education if I’ve ever heard one. The school blamed the school that it had attended, teaching-to-the-test culture, and the soft bigotry of low expectations.

— The Republicans have had eleven billionty-two debates, and they still have yet to accomplish anything other than reminding Americans that it is not too late to rekindle their relationship with Barack Obama.

— Senator Rand Paul was delayed by the TSA after refusing a pat-down. The only time members of the Paul family accept pat-downs is from the Constitution, and they usually insist that it take them out to dinner first.

By  |  05:16 PM ET, 01/24/2012

Tags:  State of the Union

 
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