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Posted at 06:09 PM ET, 11/05/2012

‘Twas the Night Before Voting


Here is a relevant image. (Photo by Bill O'Leary/The Washington Post) (Bill O'Leary - WASHINGTON POST)
(with apologies to... everyone)

‘Twas the Night Before Voting, and all through the land

Not a creature was stirring, not even Ayn Rand.

Nate Silver had nestled his stats in their beds

While the pundits all pounded brick walls with their heads

And Axelrod patted his mustache with care

In the hopes that, votes counted, it still would be there.

And Mitt in his kerchief, Barack in his cap

Had just settled down for a long power nap.

When out at the polls there arose such a clatter

They sprang out of bed to see what was the matter

‘Twas a startling noise that they heard, to their sorrow

But it kept drawing close: the Day After Tomorrow!

A day with no polls to proclaim one team toast!

A day without thrills up the leg of a host!

A day without scrying and prognostication!

A day past the swing states when we’re just one nation!

“This cannot be real!” all the operatives cried.

“The world surely ends with a loss on our side.

We called this the biggest, we called this the worst.

We warned that the country was sure to be cursed!”

“That Romney eats children! Obama shoots kittens!

Don’t vote for the loser! Don’t vote for the Mittens!

Don’t show us survival! Away with that knowledge!

Leave us to denounce the Electoral College!”

“(It’s a devious system with dubious ways!

We’ve hated it since it crowned Rutherford Hayes!)

Don’t show us reunion! Don’t show us we’re fine!

Show stampedes to Europe, like we vowed online!”

But the trick of elections, as we all suspected:

The world does not end based on whom you’ve elected.

No one quite leaves the country for Canada’s clime.

We stay and complain, like we do all the time.

But the Day After’s far worse than any would fear.

The day when the shouts stop and we’re all still here.

When those who loved Nixon or shilled for McGovern

Are stuck here with nothing to do except... govern.*

“This was meant to be cheery, but now I’m depressed,”

Mitt sat up and sighed, with a load on his chest.

“For the past several years, far as I can retain

I haven’t done anything else but campaign.

“What’s the point of a life without voters to please?

Where can I remark on the heights of the trees?

What’s the point of a joke with no voters to laugh?

Ann certainly won’t care if I make a gaffe!”

“There there,” said the President, patting his head.

“There’s a flip side to this that all sane persons dread.

Once everything stops and we see the dust clear,

2016 will start in well under a year.”

So they went and checked in on the future asleep

Where Governor Christie was curled in a heap.

And various others who wanted to run

Were getting all prepped for their day in the sun.

“Yes, it’s true,” Mitt remarked, “I feel quite reassured.

That Day After Tomorrow can just be endured.”

They both sighed as they settled ‘neath the counterpane.

“Just a matter of days ‘til it all starts again!”

*This is an imperfect rhyme, but then again, “govern” and “McGovern” are words that denote very different concepts.

By  |  06:09 PM ET, 11/05/2012

 
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