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Posted at 12:20 PM ET, 09/14/2012

Under Romney, a counterfactual land of milk and honey


This picture comes from the regular universe. (Charles Dharapak - AP)

“There’s a pretty compelling story that if you had a President Romney, you’d be in a different situation,” Richard Williamson, a Romney adviser, told The Post.

Yup.

A very compelling story.

The great thing about counterfactuals is that anything can happen there.

The world under President Romney is not just different, but better. There, all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

Under President Romney’s foreign policy, freedom and justice prevail across the globe. There is world peace. Everyone wears ties, but not out of a sense of obligation. They just realize that they look better in ties. Children are respectful and polite to substitute teachers. Trees are the right height.

Under President Romney’s foreign policy, nothing happened in Libya, because in the Romneyverse, Russia really is the No. 1 threat to our well-being abroad, and, oh boy, does Romney ever understand how to handle it! There are also flying skateboards there.

My favorite Romney Reality is the one where the Soviet Union is governed by a giant potato, but Romney knows how to reason with him. That is also Ann’s favorite.

In the Romneyverse, corporations are people. You walk down the neat, clipped avenues and doff your hat to passing corporations, shrouding your ankles from the gaze of strangers. In the Romneyverse, Barack Obama really was born in Kenya. Gay people in the Romneyverse really do not have families. Dogs are grateful to their masters and appreciate the effort involved in installing windshields atop the family car so they can ride in comfort.

Sure, there are some Romneyverses where things are going less well. But that’s the nature of these alternate realities. For every well-publicized reality where milk and honey flow, prosperity trickles down, and the United States is beloved abroad, there are a few where no one has health care, we are all selling our organs for cash, and the Internet hates cats. But those are generally swept under the rug.

Every so often we get a glimpse into the corner of the multiverse presided over by President Romney.

Read Romney’s book, and you can almost wormhole your way into this alternate world, where different things happened than the ones that happened here. There, President Obama made a foolish and costly apology tour. He literally (literally) went around from country to country groveling and sniveling and trying to lead from behind. It was deeply alarming for everyone who was there. This was much less a thing that happened in ours.

Romney’s foreign policy, like many of his domestic policies, is both a particle and a wave. Observe it, and it changes. Romney can be on several sides of the same issue in an afternoon and not contradict himself. He is large. He contains multitudes. Perhaps this is necessary for a president. Even now, Egypt is and isn’t our ally.

As far as I can understand the Many Worlds theory, there is, in fact, a world where Mitt Romney is president right now. Heck, there are several, with new ones tagging along from every time he’s run for president. There are whole multitudes of worlds in the Romneyverse, and the constants there may be different than the constants in ours. The wave function never collapses. Everything that is possible is happening somewhere. Or something. In the Romneyverse, I understand enough about quantum physics not to make a fool of myself with that last sentence, although in the Romneyverse I am a human organ farm because of foolish investments I made in the stock market.

There’s also a Romneyverse where things are basically the same but Romney waited to issue any statements about Libya. Things are going better there.

By  |  12:20 PM ET, 09/14/2012

 
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