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Posted at 07:31 AM ET, 02/09/2012

What really killed the whale shark

Look at that body! (AP Photo) (AP - AP)
A 40-foot-long, seven-ton whale shark recently was brought to shore in Karachi, sparking much public consternation. What on earth could have ended one of the most massive creatures on the planet?

“Yeah,” the shark murmured feebly, “but you should have seen the other shark.”

Here are some possible explanations:

--Whale Shark showing its disappointment with activist judges of the Ninth Circuit by committing ritual seppuku

--Whale Shark ate someone who disagreed with him. (Newt Gingrich frequently does this.)

--Whale Shark lost a Twitter follower.

--Hamlet just broke up with Whale Shark

--Whale Shark sick of being mistaken for Newt Gingrich

--Whale Shark can’t believe that Blue Ivy is trademarked already.

--Whale Shark single again on Valentine’s Day, can’t stand hitting the sandbars by itself

--Captain Ahab

--Ron Paul wrestled Whale Shark to death in a dispute related to floating dollars.

--Whale Shark finally read “The Sorrows of Young Werther.”

--Auto-erotic asphyxiation

--Whale Shark heard Lana Del Rey’s new album

--Whale Shark disappointed by the academy’s failure to recognize Michael Fassbender’s performance in “Shame”

--Whale Shark irritated by Clint Eastwood Super Bowl commercial

--Whale Shark given option of voting for Rick Santorum or Mitt Romney to oppose Barack Obama; chose third option

--Whale Shark’s self-esteem hurt by extrapolating Karl Lagerfeld’s remarks about Adele’s size

--Whale Shark swam too close to Area 51, also was on verge of breakthrough about moon landing

--Whale Shark gazed too long into Anderson Cooper’s eyes

--Last person on earth who still believed in whale sharks stopped clapping for a few seconds.

--Whale Shark learned of the existence of the Kardashians

--This is the ending of Liam Neeson’s next movie.

--One show too many jumped it.

By  |  07:31 AM ET, 02/09/2012

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