I know where to look for Amelia Earhart


Ta-da! (STAFF/AFP/Getty Images)

But don’t fall for the new theories, Hillary. I know where to look for Amelia.

Here are my best guesses.

-Got lost somewhere over the Pacific in 1938 but refused to stop for directions in order not to play into the stereotype of women drivers.

-Ashamed to reemerge after that awful biopic with Hilary Swank.

-Came back for a while in the ’60s, but no one noticed because things were too crazy.

-Shot by Lee Harvey Oswald after faking the moon landing.

-In the opening night audience for “John Carter.”

-Has been hiding in the end stall at the women’s restroom, the one where you never see anyone go in or come out of but you can tell someone’s in there because you see the feet.

-Killed Osama in 2003 and assumed his identity.

-Hanging out with John Lennon, Elvis, and JFK somewhere much more fun without us.

-Flew safely around world very slowly and just arrived. Did not notice that any time had passed because she landed in the Virginia State Legislature in the middle of their most recent debate on women’s rights.

-Wrote to inform us of her safe return thirty years ago. Letter, ironically, lost in mail.

-On a mysterious island full of smoke monsters and other strange phenomena that took eight seasons to reveal it was a metaphor.

-She’s been on Google+ for months.

-World actually flat. Flew off edge.

-Actually Carmen Sandiego.

Hillary, I hope this was helpful. Let me know if you need help finding D. B. Cooper, or anything!

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".
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