December 3, 2012

This is not a royal baby, but hey, none of us is perfect. (Tammy Spratt/San Diego Zoo via Associated Press)

In honor of the joyous news from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, here are what I humbly submit as the ten best baby names for the new arrival:

10. Simba.

9. Latifah. There might be some difficulties to work out with the actress and recording artist of the same name, but it would be worth it. (“God Save Queen Latifah!” “Which one?”)

8. “Formerly Known as Prince.” Little Formerly’s early life might be a little difficult, with a name like that, but it would all be worth it for the coronation of King Formerly Known As Prince. Besides, how difficult are you going to make the life of the future king by teasing him about his name? Not that difficult. There’s no catch.

7. Bella. If it’s good enough for the plurality of American girls named today — No, wait. I’m sorry. Never mind.

6. Ethelred. Time to take back the name from Ethelred the Unready.

5. Wallis Simpson. Admittedly, most of the people who would roll over in their graves at the announcement that “Wallis Simpson is Queen!” are already deceased, but it might still be funny for a day or two.

4. You. Remember how excited we were when Time Magazine selected “You” as Person of the Year? Now multiply that by some factor larger than zero, when it is announced that “You” will soon be king! Or queen!

3. Bed. Versatile unisex name for a king or queen! If Michael Jackson can name his child Blanket, then what is stopping the Royals from anointing their child Bed or Pillowcase? He, after all, was only the King of Pop.

2. James Bond. There’s already been a King James. King James Bond would be much cooler. Besides, anyone who remembers the Olympic opening ceremony knows Britain is surviving mainly on the strength of its brands. Why not combine Royals and Bond? They’ve already jumped out of a helicopter together.

1. Hashtag. (Hey, it’s good enough for Hashtag Jameson.)

After all, if “The King’s Speech” taught me anything, it’s that when you take the throne, you can change your name anyway.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.