December 7, 2012

The Supreme Court announced Friday that it will address gay marriage this March — both the Federal Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Proposition 8 banning same-sex marriage — and decide the result by June. 

There are many things one could possibly say at this juncture. 

But I will keep it simple. 

Justices, it’s an acknowledged fact that the closer you are to death, the more likely you are to oppose gay marriage.

Here is a chart that illustrates this point.

See?

Support for gay marriage is good for your health! 

Now, look. 

Justices, I know you have many hobbies you enjoy. Justice Scalia spends many a pleasant evening talking to Thomas Jefferson into the wee hours of the night about his Original Intent and yelling at people who try to sit on his flagpole. John Roberts loves to call balls and strikes. Justice Ginsburg likes to wear snazzy neckerchiefs. And no matter your age, there is a lot of fun yet to be squeezed from your existence.

But if you rule against gay marriage, you are as good as announcing that you have had enough of life.

And there is so much more to live for! Think of the years you could enjoy, walking around in your robes and hitting things with gavels and overturning “Judge Judy” rulings and dissenting and asking probing questions or, if you’re Justice Thomas, just sitting there silently. 

This is one of those issues that history has already made up its mind about.  People who support gay marriage are going to outlive those who don’t. It’s not rocket jurisprudence. Justices, if you won’t rule because this is a simple question of civil rights, do it in your self-interest.

And if you don’t believe me, Chris Cillizza has a chart. 

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.