December 10, 2012

Do you believe that the Mayan Apocalypse is upon us? Are you fully convinced that, in a scant 12 days, whatever Vague Disastrous Thing the Mayans predicted will finally occur? Are you giving serious thought to heading to the top of Mount Pic De Bugarach, as some French people are, so you can be rescued by aliens?

Then you absolutely must do the following, right now, using the time you have left.

12. Buy Apocalypse supplies! On the recommended shopping list are canned food, bunkers and flares to summon aliens to rescue you. When the Apocalypse comes, it will announce itself to you so you can make it downstairs to the shelter in time, can opener in tow, and when the aliens arrive they will translate the fact that you are shooting fire into the air in their general direction as a sign that they should come help you. This makes a lot of sense, so you should buy all these things.

11. Buy merchandise advertising your awareness and preparedness for the Mayan Apocalypse, preferably a T-shirt or bumper sticker that says, “Mayan-Apocalypse Ready.” This will show your friends, neighbors and business associates just the kind of person you are!

10. Tell all your friends and family members about the coming Apocalypse. When they suggest that the world has never ended before, shake your head knowingly and reply, “That’s what they said the last time, and look what happened.” Point out that the Mayan Apocalypse is one of the few remaining apocalyptic predictions that has NOT been disproven.

9. Throw a human sacrifice to appease the Mayan gods. Start with Donald Trump.

8. Quit your job, and don’t be shy about stating the reason. The world is ending in 12 days. Who needs a job? Answer: Lots and lots of twenty-somethings, currently living in their parents’ basements. Let us at least perish with the knowledge that we were gainfully employed. It would mean a lot to us.

7. Stop bathing. Who has time to bathe? The world is ending! You have lots and lots of other bucket-list items to finish, and you should focus on those. If anyone comments on the smell, tell them that “when the aliens come, we’ll be lucky to smell at all.” Point them to your T-shirt.

6. Get a tattoo that reads, “BIG BELIEVER IN THE MAYAN APOCALYPSE,” preferably somewhere tasteful, like your face or neck. The Mayans, I hear from the same reliable source who told me about the flares, will give preferential treatment to people with face tattoos showing how ready they were.

5. Call Mitt Romney. He’s going through a rough time. Like the Mayan Apocalypse, he is something people believed was “inevitable” for a long time, but that a lot of voters were not particularly enthused about. And maybe his inevitable presidency starts Dec. 22, after our alien overlords arrive.

4. See “Les Miserables.” The world might be ending, but that’s no reason Anne Hathaway’s career should suffer!

3. Find someone you think is attractive but could not stand to live with for any length of time, and marry him or her. What’s the harm? When you say, “I will love you ’til the end of time,” you’re talking a matter of hours, after all.

2. Demand that every restaurant/coffee shop/mall/assorted public place currently blasting “Little Drummer Boy” or any equally obnoxious Christmas music cease and desist, right now. You have minutes to live. You should not have to spend them listening to someone inanely repeat “Rum pa pum pum.” You have enough regrets to deal with.

1. Give me all your money, right now. What do you care for money? The Apocalypse is at hand! Embrace your children. Embrace your new spouse. Put out a Craigslist ad for sensual companionship. I don’t care. My point is, your possessions are holding you back. Give me the key to your house. Enjoy the time you have left. Give me your car. Squeeze each fleeting moment to the dregs. Put your kids in the care of someone more responsible. Love, laugh, live!

Heck, this goes for believers in the Rapture too.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.