December 18, 2012

Praise the Lord and pass the maple syrup!

In a week of bad news, here is a small glimmer of good news: Three people have been arrested in connection with the largest maple syrup heist in Canadian history (not much competition there, I think). And two-thirds of the stolen syrup has been recovered. 

It was a lot of syrup — up to an estimated $30 million worth — sufficient to put a real dent in the world’s maple syrup supply. And up with that we will not put! 

I am not sure exactly how you recover stolen syrup. The syrup had grown accustomed to its new surroundings. After tense negotiations, in which several chocolate-chip pancakes were drowned and some syrup was tragically spilt, it agreed to give up its captors. It has been reunited with its pancakes and waffles and those whimsically shaped jugs it calls home, and is getting on with its life.

I have more questions than answers, still. How did this heist happen? Did they siphon it out, Walter-White-style? Did they slowly embezzle it with a straw? Where were they hoping to fence the stolen syrup? How did they get rid of a third of it? I like to imagine that, for a while, a man was wandering around Canada selling black-market maple syrup out of a trench coat. “Psst,” he would say, approaching people on dark corners. “You want some of the good stuff? I got it right here.” I understand that this is unlikely, but it conforms beautifully to all the stereotypes of Canadians on which I was raised. “You want it, eh?” this figure would continue. “It’s pure. High sucrose. Blue label. I knew the tree it came from.”

For more information, consult this piece in the Globe and Mail, the best part of which is the part where it refers to it as a “lucrative condiment.” 

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.