January 17, 2013

The GOP is having a panel at its annual retreat entitled Successful Communication with Minorities and Women. According to Dave Weigel, the panel features “a female moderator (Rachel Campos-Duffy), a female consultant (Ana Navarro), a female congressman (Rep. Jaime Herrera Buetler), and three congressmen who are neither female nor minorities.”

This kind of communication is, indeed, a great mystery, and I am glad they are probing it. If you have to ask, here are some pointers I put together for the woman part of this equation. I have spent much of my life in the study of this strange beast called “woman” and can tell what I have seen.

– Never address a woman as “chick” or “baby” or “hen.” Women are predators. Use “fox,” “cougar,” or “dingo” instead.

– The only thing women love more than laws restricting what they can do with their bodies is — just kidding. There is nothing women love more than that. Propose a lot of those.

– Women love the color pink! If you print up a pink sign about anything, women will carry it. It doesn’t matter what it says! Pink!

– Talk a lot about firming creams.

– Talk a lot about Miracle Whip. Someone must like Miracle Whip. You always see them selling it. Maybe it’s women. I don’t know. Try it!

– If you want to show a woman that you respect and value her opinion, give her a vacuum. If you want to show a woman that you find her attractive, give her an apron.

– When alone, women speak in a secret code. Not unlike whales. If you ever come upon a boardroom full of them, emit several high-pitched squeaks and hums and back away slowly.

– Before shaking hands with a woman, offer to sniff her.

– If there is one thing women love, it’s jokes about rape! Be sure to incorporate them into your powerpoints.

-Whenever a woman expresses an opinion of any kind, in print or on television, what she is really asking for is your input on her sex life.

– Similarly, if you see a woman doing something, especially on the Internet, what she really wants is to know if you think she is attractive or not.

– To put a woman at ease, speak as much as you can about body parts you do not have. Women love that. They frequently leave town meetings muttering to themselves, “That was pretty good, but I wish he’d talked about the uterus and its capabilities at greater length.”

– If you run into a woman (or a minority) and have nothing else to say, ask about celebrities and other people you know from that same group. Everyone knows everyone else in Women-and-Minority land!

– Women are one homogeneous mass and they all have the same interests. Do not approach them as individuals on the issues.

Actually? Just, you know, talk normally.

But with a panel like that, I doubt “normal” is on the menu.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.