January 24, 2013

Buzzfeed reported recently that Mark Zuckerberg will be hosting a fundraiser for New Jersey governor Chris Christie, whose popularity knows no bounds. He is at the level of popularity where he could almost say something positive about Congress and get away with it. But why would he want to?

He and Zuckerberg have been working together ever since the Facebook founder donated $100 million to New Jersey public schools.

I managed to journey into the future and get my hands on a program for the much-ballyhooed fundraiser. Here are some of the perks available:

“Poke” Level: Chris Christie will come by your table and yell about whatever is on his mind.

“Like” Level: Chris Christie will come by your table and yell saltily at a person of your choice. For a little extra, you can get a fleece to match the governor’s!

“Friend” Level: For just a few dollars more, Chris Christie will sign onto Facebook and comment dismissively on the postings of That One Guy On Your Feed Who Always Wants To Share His Political Perspective.

“Untag” Level: Mark Zuckerberg will get rid of the Poke button.

“Instagram?” Level: Mark Zuckerberg will reinstate the Poke button, and Chris Christie will poke you.

“Dislike Button” Level: Mark Zuckerberg will do something weird to your privacy settings that you were not expecting.

“Share” Level: If you buy a whole table, Mark Zuckerberg will fix that thing that he did to your privacy.

“Starred” Level: Chris Christie will perform an acapella rendition of “Born in the USA” with dance moves, and if everyone in the room chips in, Mark Zuckerberg will not share it on Facebook.

Actual Friend, Not Just Facebook Friend Level: Chris Christie will let you make one joke about his weight, but only one, and it had better not be something he’s already seen on Twiter. You jerk.

Boss Level: Chris Christie will make your enemies his enemies and will telephone them to tell them so. Mark Zuckerberg will create a special “Facebook Enemies” status for them.

Party Boss Level: For the maximum donation, in this context, Chris Christie will cease to be seen as a viable Republican contender by anyone but the same people in the mainstream media who thought that Huntsman was a good idea. And you get a fleece!

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.