“A dark and stormy night” almost made the chart.

Scrooge. Pip. Estella. The names are still familiar, if only because they sound like noises your car should not be making.

On the occasion of Charles Dickens’s 101st 201st birthday, here is a look at what some of the most famous characters from his books would be up to today. See if you agree.

EBENEZER SCROOGE: The protagonist of “A Christmas Carol” is, unsurprisingly, still a banker.

BOB CRATCHIT: Works thankless, long hours as Scrooge’s assistant. Sometimes watches “The Devil Wears Prada,” cheers loudly at the moment when Anne Hathaway tosses her phone into the fountain, then goes and curls up in a corner to cry.

TINY TIM: Currently starring in a series of piteous commercials accompanied by lachrymose Sarah McLachlan music.

OLIVER TWIST: Innocent boy falls in with wrong crowd, accidentally stars in series of YouTube videos, becomes Justin Bieber.

THE ARTFUL DODGER: He has been stealing your WiFi for the past several months, even after you thought you locked it.

NANCY: Won’t stop dating Bill Sikes, in spite of her friends’ best efforts. Her Twitter feed is a constant stream of dubious life choices. Team Breezy.

SYDNEY CARTON: Programmer. Brilliant, capable of tremendous feats of intense work at odd hours but has some serious substance abuse problems. His friends would keep staging interventions if he had any friends.

PHILIP “PIP” PIRRIP: “Great Expectations'” unexpectedly wealthy protagonist is — well, frankly, I don’t know what Pip’s up to, but I am positive he is still being a jerk to Joe and Biddy and should stop. My guess is he has a reality TV show.

ESTELLA: She has been starring on “The Bachelorette” for six straight seasons now, refusing to pick anyone.

MISS HAVISHAM: Recently spotted on an episode of “Hoarders.” Attempts to intervene, remove her from foul-smelling wedding dress and rid the house of its sizable population of stray cats proved unsuccessful. Last seen pursuing the camera crew out of the house, armed with a branch of candles.

HERBERT POCKET: Pip’s roommate. Herbert’s dogged insistence that eventually he will come up with the right kind of Kickstarter project finally pays off after Pip buys the biggest perk package under an assumed name.

JAMES STEERFORTH: Head of his local Mean Girls chapter.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: Spends his entire life telling people, “No, not the magician.”

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".