February 14, 2013

Here are some commas, sutra not included.

A recent survey by Match.com found that the top criteria by which both women and men judged potential partners was their teeth and their grammar. It is so hard to tell if people at bars have good grammar. So, without further ado, here are some lines that are guaranteed to get you laid lain with by all the hip, grammatical singles out there:

    • I’m not possessive, but I still want you to be mine.
    • I know the difference between “less” and “fewer,” but don’t worry, you won’t have to ask me for either of them.
    • I may be disinterested, but I’m not uninterested.
    • Want to come back to my place so I can explain tripartite parallel structure to you thoroughly, slowly, and respectfully?
    • Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
    • The personal pronoun always comes last.
    • I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
    • Let’s make like an infinitive and never be split.
    • I am your subject. Will you be my predicate?
    • I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
    • Can I call you “whom”? Because you’re the object — of my affections.
    • Let’s go back to my place, flip through my comma sutra, and see where to insert these.
    • I would never precede you with “which,” baby, because you are essential to this clause.
    • After tonight, I guarantee you’ll never forget the difference between “lie” and “lay.”
    • Was your daddy an unclear antecedent? Because I only hope I know what you’re referring to.
    • I know that yes means yes. I know that no means no. Heck, I even know what “nor” means.
    • Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
    • It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
    • Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
    • You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.

    More from Compost

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.