Titanic II is setting sail in 2016

Titanic

Let go, Jack. (Blue Star Line/AP)

Yes, the Titanic II’s plans have just been unveiled. And Clive Palmer, the billionaire professor behind this venture and Blue Star Line, is absolutely committed to re-creating the original voyage from Southampton to New York, including period attire for passengers!

A few more things to consider.

1) Every two passengers are issued one door as a flotation device. They can probably both fit on it, but they will insist instead that one drowns in ice-cold water.

2) Obnoxious, self-centered fiance portrayed by Billy Zane comes included with first-class-cabin package.

3) For a special fee, you can stand on the front of the boat and insist that you are the King of the World.

4) For an extra fee, you are entitled to push overboard anyone who does (3) or starts to sing the Celine Dion song.

And here are some more voyages we should re-create, as long as this is happening:

* USS Pequod. Join Captain Ahab on a wild adventure cruise. Come for the monomaniacal ramblings, stay for the whale-watching! Interrupted only by long informational passages detailing all the steps for making whale oil for lamps and what ambergris is, exactly. Each passenger will be issued a coffin-shaped flotation device that was originally constructed for his or her significant other.

* HMS Bounty. Come for the mutiny, stay for the resemblance of the name of the ship to a popular brand of absorbent paper towels!

* HMS Pinafore. The best thing about this ship is all the singing! The second-best thing about this ship is all the banter! I am not sure the captain has any actual ship-running expertise, but he has a lovely lyric baritone! It’s basically a musical cruise, but the performers are somehow also charged with running the ship.

* Black Pearl. The food may turn to ash in your mouth, but at least you’re living in proximity to a monkey!

* SS Poseidon. What an adventure! Turn that frown upside down, and the rest of your body with it! You’ll enjoy it so much, you’ll want to remake your experience decades later, to poor critical reception.

* Mayflower. Sick of those people at country clubs insisting that their ancestors came over on the Mayflower? Now you can one-up them. “Your ancestors did? I came over on the Mayflower II!” As an added bonus, try to take the land and belongings of the inhabitants wherever your ship docks.

* Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. You get a doubloon every time land is sighted! Great vacation if you’ve always wanted to visit India, but not.

* USS Monitor. Would you enjoy your vacations more if they were in a hot, stuffy metal soapbox on what appears to be an ironing board? You’re in luck!

* Hindenberg. Hey, if the Titanic can do it …

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