(Scott Applewhite/Associated Press) CPAC! CPAC RUN!
CPAC! CPAC RUN! (Scott Applewhite/Associated Press)

Doesn’t CPAC realize that 2012 already happened?

Glance over the list of CPAC invitees and scheduled panels, and it makes you wonder if the organizers are aware that the 2012 election has already come and gone, not with the most glowing of possible results. Sometimes — as with the decision to exclude GOProud from the event altogether — one might be less charitably tempted to wonder whether the organizers knew that, say, 1998 had already come and gone. The event seems to have both feet firmly planted in the past.

Here, from the schedule, is a summary of the events CPAC attendees can look forward to. See if you can identify which ones are real!

• 90-minute movie about Ronald Reagan that somehow, bewilderingly, stars Newt and Callista Gingrich.*
• Movie in which Dinesh D’Sousa patiently explains that President Obama is literally Satan.
• Speech by someone that consists of the entire text of an e-mail that your grandmother forwarded to you.
• Book Signing: The authorized sequel to the Book of Revelation: Revelation 2 — Obama’s Beast-Number by John Patmos.
• Book Signing: Spin Masters: How The Media Ignored The Real News And Helped Re-Elect Barack Obama by David Freddoso.*
• Rick Santorum: I’m Still Here, Guys!
• Speech by Someone Named Paul
• Sarah Palin: Wow 2008 Was Five Years Ago Huh?
• Appearance by Mitt Romney, the Banquo’s Ghost of the Republican Party, who keeps showing up at events and making everyone nervous and uncomfortable, bleeding profusely, murmuring about the 47 percent, and generally casting a pall over things
• A conservative comic complaining that people do not put their wives on high enough pedestals and that, consequently, these women are too free to move about the workplace.
• Panel on Tolerance and Diversity That the Organizers Nearly Refused to Tolerate Because it Was Too Different From the Other Panels.
• Special panel on tolerance that the people behind it had to sneak past the organizers; to get in, explain that you are looking for the panel on “Grandpa’s Veiled Racism” and someone will show you into the correct room.
• The Republican Party Needs to Welcome Diversity (this panel is not an official CPAC offering).
• The Republican Party Has Lots of Gay Friends, Guys! (this panel not endorsed by CPAC either).
• GOD WOULDN’T LIKE IT! (official CPAC panel).
• Give Your Baby a Gun, with Wayne LaPierre.
• Giant, Gaping Hole Where Chris Christie Should Be.
• Book Signing: Obama’s Four Horsemen: The Disasters Unleashed By Obama’s Reelection by David Harsanyi*
• Jeb Bush, Crying And Screaming With Rage at The Cruel Fate That Put Him Here, Today, Not In The White House, Years Ago, While George W. Is Literally in Florida Painting Dogs, Why, Lord?
• Rand Paul Talks For a Surprisingly Short Amount of Time.
• Rick Perry Reminds You Why He Was Such a Bad Idea.
• “What’s Up With Campaign Finance?”*
• “Exercise Your Civic Authority: Put The Odds Forever In Your Favor” a Tea Party Panel*
• “Exercise Your Civic Authority: No Katniss Please I’m Not Ready to Die” A Tea Party Panel
• “Exercise Your Civic Authority: Are You Edward, or Jacob?” A Tea Party Panel
• Should We Shoot All The Consultants Now?*
• Six More Ways Barack Obama Might Kill You In Your Sleep
• What Are Women?
• Donald Trump’s Face and Hair Are The Color of Liver Spots (a panel)
• “Are We Back On The Road To Serfdom?”*
• “No, I’m Pretty Sure We’re Not Back on the Road to Serfdom.”
• “Conservative Inclusion: Promoting the Freedom Message to All Americans” (this is not an official CPAC event)*
• Stop THIS: Threats, Harassment, Intimidation, Slander & Bullying From the Obama Administration (official panel)*
• Trump the Race Card: Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist And You Know You’re Not One?*
• Are You Also Tired of Being Accused of Sexism Because Jesus These Women Need to Learn to Take a Joke?
• The United Nations vs. the United States: The End Run Around The American Way of Life (official panel)*

*Actual events

**Also an actual event, basically (A Rainbow on the Right: Growing the Coalition, Bringing Tolerance Out of the Closet (sponsored by the Competitive Enterprise Institute))

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.