I have to admit, when I saw all the headlines announcing “See-through Lululemon Pants Recalled,” I thought, “That’s missing a ‘fondly.'”
But seriously, this is a real problem. This is the one thing we trusted you to do, pants. Especially you, Lululemon pants. All we ask is that you be comfortable, stretchy, and not — well, unveil our bottom line. If we want to see London or France, we can save up money and vacation and go on our own time. Yoga is embarrassing enough without worrying about southern exposure.
But now the black luon bottoms for women sold in March are being recalled, in the bad way, for being excessively sheer.
According to the athletic supplier’s FAQ, “We first began to understand the extent of the issue on Monday, March 11th as part of our weekly call with store managers. Some of our store managers expressed concern over the sheerness of some of our women’s black luon bottoms.” I can only imagine how this exchange must have gone.
Yoga is embarrassing enough on its own. I can attest to this, having paid good money to do it — well, if we’re being honest, to intend to do it and then decide it is too far away and too early in the morning. Yes, I understand the complaint that “that’s too far to go to exercise” is the ultimate first-world problem, but when your form of exercise consists of standing on the wrong foot looking bewildered in the midst of a group of fit women with protruding ribs, you need concessions like this. It is hard enough to get up in the morning and enter their midst. It is hard enough to get up in the morning, full stop. But when you enter the class and are the only one incapable of inverting yourself so you resemble an intense urn, you at least crave the comfort of knowing that your pants are not betraying you the way your decision to get stuck in the middle of a Sun Salute, groaning and wobbling occasionally, already has.
I actually had to stop yoga on the grounds that it was making me a menace to society. Mark Twain had a similar excuse for quitting the Civil War. He said that the casualty rate from the one battle in which he was engaged was 100% on the opposing side, and that in order to give the enemy a chance, he could not conscionably have continued in the conflict. Similarly, studies imply that people who eat healthful food feel spurious outpourings of virtue that actually turn them more vicious. But what these kale-eaters experience is nothing compared to the vague, yeasty virtue that I feel suffusing my entire being on exiting a yoga class. I could drown an endangered kitten with no remorse whatever. Naturally, society demanded that I recuse myself.
I’m glad I made it out before the pants crisis. Unacceptably Sheer? That sounds like a bad celebrity perfume.
Lululemon insists they have not changed materials or suppliers, and that it’s just a bad batch. What awful luck!
I bet I know what happened.
Those magical Emperor’s New weavers are at it again. “This material is fine,” they told worried employees at the plant. “It’s totally opaque as long as you’re intelligent and good at your job.” “Oh,” the employees said.
“Look, we managed to convince you that yoga was something you were capable of doing at your current fitness level,” the weavers added. “Why stop believing the impossible now?”
“You make a fair point.”