This week, the Supreme Court will be hearing arguments on two same-sex marriage cases, one dealing with the Defense of Marriage Act and the other with California’s Proposition 8, which barred gay marriage in the state.

Among the things to look for:

-Long hypothetical question by Justice Antonin Scalia about whether, if gay marriage is allowed to get through, he will be forced to marry a robot.

-Possible courtroom disturbance from the polyamorous robot dog who has been following Scalia around for the past decade trying to marry him and lingering by his bedside at night to whisper, “Slippery slope, Tony.” (Hey, it would explain a lot.)

-Threats from Westboro Baptist Church to stick around, blame everything on something else.

-”Lincoln”-esque reveal several months later in which one of the justices asks to take the historic decision home for a night for no really compelling reason.

-Distressed by how prevalent support for gay marriage has become, early public advocates heard audibly sighing into their PBR and trying to pick another cause. Joe Biden can be heard remarking dismissively that he was publicly in favor of same-sex marriage BEFORE it went mainstream.

-Your deadbeat boyfriend suddenly shifts his principled stance from “until they let gay people marry, there’s no way we can walk down the aisle” to “I don’t want to get married until Joe Biden is elected president.”

-New copy of Old Testament unearthed in Dead Sea, revealing that it actually was “Adam and Steve”

-Brimstone, but just a little, and it actually improves the weather.

-Unveiling of The Gay Agenda, which turns out to contain nothing except “Pick Up Dry Cleaning” circled a few times.

And that’s just if it goes well.

Usually, to hear an argument about gay marriage, all I have to do is visit an elderly person when “Ellen” is on. Most of the people I know who consider it an abomination also still have AOL addresses, which I consider to be an abomination.

Popular support for same-sex marriage, in the past 10 years, has seen absolutely stunning growth. A recent Washington Post/ABC poll found it at a robust 58 percent — up from 32 percent just nine years ago. It’s definitely mainstream at this point.

Opposition to marriage equality seems to be bound to pass in time, like the vogue for Hummel dolls. But in the meantime, like the vogue for Hummel dolls, it makes visiting elderly relatives unnecessarily stressful and strained. “Don’t you see that this is something you will be embarrassed by later?” you say. “Surely you don’t want to perish with these creepy figurines still prominently displayed over the sink?”

The fight for the hearts and minds of the people may be over — or nearly over. Here are some charts, which can be summarized below:


Basically, Death has marked out the people who do not support marriage equality as its first targets. If you want it to stop hunting you, you know what to do. Come on, Supreme Court! You know you want to be immortal for the right reasons.

Still, you can’t help but be nervous, no matter what the outcome — if sweeping, more fights are ahead against “unelected judges”; if more limited, a long slog through numerous states will remain before equality can prevail. I appreciate the optimistic tone as much as anyone, but please, everyone, stop saying that progress on same-sex marriage is inevitable. That is what people said about Mitt Romney, and look what happened to him.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.