Follow me! On Twitter! (History, Joe Alblas/Associated Press)

I am informed by the Wall Street Journal that the new resume is on Twitter, just 140 characters and a six-second video, if that.

They are wrong. The new resume is a single character. Here, in an effort to forestall any further trend pieces on the subject, is a breakdown of such Future Resumes by quality.

!: Good enthusiasm.

0: Bad resume.

A: Good resume, but a little boring and safe.

a: a more daring, self-aware version of “A.”

4: Decent, but unexceptional.

^: Probably a good editor.

¡: Good enthusiasm, fluent in Spanish.

1: Decent.

X: Variable.

~: Depends on the workplace.

(: Oh, I see what you did there.

): Cry for help.

_: Open to interpretation.

?: Either a sign of inexperience or a way of conveying in shorthand that you are ?uestlove.

$: Straightforward.

*: Lance Armstrong or Barry Bonds.

.: Logical.

|: Meh.

&: Bold. Good for designers.

[~]: Tilde Swinton sleeping in a glass box

i: Unreal.

‽: Hired.

: Will work for cheap, in this economy.

†: Best for faith-based positions, otherwise a little in-your-face.

§: Freudian nightmare creature.

#: Shows your Twitter fluency.

Z: Either asleep or Zorro.

;: Cute, but a little pretentious.

,: Gives pause.

-: More impressive if you realize it includes a zero-second video.

: Emperor’s new resume.

I’m on Twitter, too.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.