I am informed by the Wall Street Journal that the new resume is on Twitter, just 140 characters and a six-second video, if that.
They are wrong. The new resume is a single character. Here, in an effort to forestall any further trend pieces on the subject, is a breakdown of such Future Resumes by quality.
!: Good enthusiasm.
0: Bad resume.
A: Good resume, but a little boring and safe.
a: a more daring, self-aware version of “A.”
4: Decent, but unexceptional.
^: Probably a good editor.
¡: Good enthusiasm, fluent in Spanish.
~: Depends on the workplace.
(: Oh, I see what you did there.
): Cry for help.
_: Open to interpretation.
?: Either a sign of inexperience or a way of conveying in shorthand that you are ?uestlove.
*: Lance Armstrong or Barry Bonds.
&: Bold. Good for designers.
[~]: Tilde Swinton sleeping in a glass box
₯: Will work for cheap, in this economy.
†: Best for faith-based positions, otherwise a little in-your-face.
§: Freudian nightmare creature.
#: Shows your Twitter fluency.
Z: Either asleep or Zorro.
;: Cute, but a little pretentious.
,: Gives pause.
-: More impressive if you realize it includes a zero-second video.
: Emperor’s new resume.
I’m on Twitter, too.