Justin Bieber
Hissssss (STRINGER/REUTERS)

Mary McGrory once said that “to be a celebrity in America is to be forgiven everything.”

Except, possibly, going to the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and signing the guestbook with the note, “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber,” as Justin Bieber did this week.

The saddest part of Anne Frank’s experience was that she never witnessed “Never Say Never: 3-D.” Yes, being stuck in that annex was tough – but has she ever tried breaking up with Selena Gomez? What a pity that Anne Frank, whose writings have sold millions of copies, who managed to humanize one of the most inhuman periods of history, never got to tell Justin Bieber how great Justin Bieber was. That is the most important thing anyone can say, as Justin Bieber would be the first to tell you.

Isn’t it wonderful that all of history happened so that it could culminate in the ultimate perfection of Justin Bieber? When Justin Bieber heard about the Holocaust, he shuddered — those kids could have followed him on Twitter! When Justin Bieber read about slavery, he sighed a heavy sigh for the millions of people, trapped in the inhumane condition of being born too soon ever to see the music video for “U Smile.”

Yes, that’s the thing Justin Bieber regrets about Anne Frank — one less Lonely Girl. What a pity not to be able to hang on his every tweet and leave adoring comments on his YouTube videos. What a pity for her. It really pained Justin Bieber to think about it. True Hell is separation from Bieber.

And if you are one of those people who is saying that Anne Frank was exceptional in many ways and a typical teen in others, and so what’s the big deal, maybe she would have been into this sort of thing, consider the source.

Justin Bieber actually thinks this is the way the arrows of fandom should point between them.

I have both of their autobiographies on my bookcase. Justin Bieber has an entire page consisting only of the word “GIRLS” written over and over in varying type sizes, and I suspect that this is the work of a ghostwriter. And he expects ANNE FRANK to become HIS fan? It’s mostly pictures, and some of the pictures are misspelled.

On Wednesday, April 5, 1944, Anne Frank wrote, “I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I’ve never met. I want to go on living even after my death! And that’s why I’m so grateful to God for having given me this gift, which I can use to develop myself and to express all that’s inside me!”

What’s Justin Bieber’s dream? To be famous, for being Justin Bieber. What’s inside him to express, besides a tremendous misoverestimation of his own worth?

Justin Bieber, who until recently was famous for having a haircut that looked like what would happen if you stuck a younger, glossier Donald Trump inside a bowl …

Justin Bieber, who has been on this earth a full three years longer than Anne Frank, and has, at best, evolved from a tween icon singing “Baby baby baby oooh baby baby baby oooh baby baby baby oooh” to a teen icon whom 6 million people are too nervous to unfollow on Twitter …

Justin Bieber, who has a 3-D documentary about overcoming “hardships” called “Never Say Never: 3-D,” in which he complains that he spent a while in Atlanta hawking his admittedly modest talent and people had the audacity not to make him INSTANTLY FAMOUS and oh, once, he had a sore throat, because he yelled too much …

… expects ANNE FRANK to BELIEBE in him?

That’s not even a REAL WORD.

We created this monster. This is a cry for help. This is someone who does not know the difference between success and greatness.

This is our fault. I can’t even be mad at Justin Bieber. If he thinks that all human history is a series of dark, sad fumblings, slowly crawling uphill until we reached the ultimate perfection of The Biebe — whose fault is this but ours? We’re the ones worshipping the water he walks on. But, gosh.

Maybe Anne would have been a belieber. But I hope not. Before, it was permissible. We only suspected that he was a towering idiot with limited musical ability and bad hair. Now we know for sure.

If I were cruel I would say that the difference between Anne Frank and Justin Bieber is that we wish Anne Frank had lived past 16, because she had real talent.

But “You can’t shame and humiliate modern celebrities,” P.J. O’Rourke once noted. “What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.”

Read more on this issue:
Richard Cohen: Bieber treated Anne Frank like a girl. Where’s the harm in that?

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.