And it's only Tuesday. (Ann Heisenfeldt / Associated Press) And it’s only Tuesday. (Ann Heisenfeldt / Associated Press)

This has been one of the worst weeks for the Obama administration in recent memory, and it’s only Tuesday.

There were the Benghazi hearings, which actually crept onto Mainstream News Outlets, even if they haven’t generated much more than indignation, more heat than light.

Then there was Friday’s news that the IRS was explicitly targeting conservative 501 (c)4 non-profits for added screening. Have Patriot in your name? How about the Constitution in your mission? If you want to teach people more about the Constitution — well, you might as well tattoo “DEVIOUS ANTI-GOVERNMENT ENTITY” on your forehead and clearly, a regular audit is too good for you. Nothing like saying you’re a supporter of the Founding Fathers and want to return to our nation’s founding principles to make you sound like a suspicious, anti-government group.

Then there came the revelation, Monday, that the Justice Department had obtained two months of AP phone records.

Now we have a real scandal on our hands. Isn’t that enough to unleash all the other menacing theories and clustering fears about the administration?

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring. Could it get worse?

Next it will leak that the drone program, in what the Drone Program Office (mysteriously situated in Kansas) calls “a horrible mix-up with its paperwork,” has given up targeting enemy combatants and devoted all its resources to following Rand Paul at a respectful distance, emitting a baleful hum.

Then the FDA will reveal that it has come up with new guidelines for Plan B and every other form of contraception, where any woman who asks for it over the counter has to be shown a video calling her insulting and unscientific names. Bizarrely, at the same time, Abstinence Only policies in schools will be replaced with videos attempting to recruit children to homosexuality, even though literally everyone asked about this will point out that a) this is not a real thing that can happen and b) this matter is supposed to be left to the states.

“Oh yeah,” a Senior Administration Official will let slip, mid-week, “death panels are absolutely real.”

The Social Security Administration will step forward and announce, ruefully, that it got confused and thought that it was supposed to be investing your money in making sure the party scenes in “The Great Gatsby” were all they could be.

By the end of the week, President Obama will no doubt announce that, exactly as his opponents feared, he is a lizard-man bent on devastating the Earth with fire from his belly. “Born in America?” he will ask. “Let me be clear: I am from Krypton.” Then he will melt the retirement savings of millions of Americans with his eyes.

At this point Michelle will reveal that she’s been poisoning all the White House Children’s Garden lettuce with radium and that her Let’s Move exercises actually sap your muscle strength. They will leap into a chariot drawn by anarchist dragons and pirouette off into the sky, sprinkling Socialism everywhere and crushing small private enterprises under their wheels, pausing briefly to say something Very Very Rude to Bob Woodward.

At the daily press briefing, Jay Carney will announce that he knows nothing about anything that has happened, that, in fact, his entire memory has disappeared, that there is a woman who claims to be his wife but she is a total stranger to him and all her attempts to show him “50 First Dates” have wound up with him sobbing uncontrollably in a corner, not knowing what or whom to believe. “This being said,” he will add, “someone has told me to say, ‘Execute Order 66!'” At this point, out of nowhere, a clone army will descend upon the White House press corps and tear them limb from limb.

A few will escape and start a small resistance, but no one will listen to them because they were once part of the Liberal Media Establishment.

Joe Biden will attempt to pull off his mask of amiability to reveal something sinister, but it will turn out that there is nothing to reveal, and then he will mope because no one decided to include him in the plans.

“I was right!” Donald Trump will bellow, rearing up over America. “I was right about EVERYTHING!”

And when you think of it in comparison to all the wild theories that have long raged, this week’s events seem relatively staid. No dragons, no flames, no clone armies. Hardly enough to melt a talk radio mike. But they have one advantage: They actually happened. That’s more than scary enough for me.

In the coming days, some transparency and accountability would be nice. We can deal with the bad facts and move along, return any lurking dragons to the undergrowth. What actually happened is bad enough for the real world. I’d just as soon it stopped here.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.
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