Attorney General Eric Holder. (Alex Wong/Getty Images)
Attorney General Eric Holder. (Alex Wong/Getty Images)

The IRS is now being investigated by the Justice Department and heads are rolling, after word leaked that the tax organization was making a point of applying added scrutiny to tea party and Constitution-related groups applying for tax-free 501(c)4 status. I got a glimpse of the added work that certain 501(c)4′s were being forced to go through, and they really made it difficult! Frankly it’s a miracle this went undetected so long.

Dear organization applying for 501 (c) 4 status:

In order to keep your 501(c)4 status, we have a few straight-forward requests.

For groups with “Tea Party” in name or something Constitution-related in mission: 

• Please send us a notarized copy of form 27(b) and attached straw, spun into gold.

• Please return a signed copy of this form along with three millet seeds picked out of a heap of lentils, located over the glass sea east of the Sun and west of the Moon and guarded by a three-headed troll.

• On completion of form 478(b) we can send you instructions for defeating the troll, but only if the form is notarized during a full moon.

• To expedite completion of this form, you can sign form 37(b)4-Part D, giving us your first-born child in perpetuity, but be warned that the notarization process must take place in the middle of an electrical storm. Give yourself ample time.

• Sign, notarize, and-write the first 3,094 digits of pi on the back of this form.

• Alternatively, you can name your second child “George W. Bush’s Presidency Was A Mistake” and “Ronald Reagan? More Like Satan Satan” and bypass forms AA-MM, but you still must complete the remaining 17 forms to the best of your ability.

• Append, along with records of all bodily functions performed by volunteers for your organization during the past fiscal year, sixteen signed copies of form 17B-c4, one folded neatly into an origami swan.

• Have you ever lusted in your heart? Provide a detailed confession below. You will need to have your husband or wife sign this.

• Include six completed Saturday New York Times crossword puzzles, with video footage of you completing them without Googling anything.

• Staple non-blurry photo of a yeti to the back of Form 3-4-32-7.

• Append Form 97.1F-(m/jj) with detailed, logical explanation of string theory.

• Did Sophie make the right choice? Explain, in Braille, on the back of form 8-9hh.

• After completing form A7, explain ending of “Inception” verbally in person to Carol in the Cleveland office, who just doesn’t get it and who is notoriously hard to pin down for coffee.

• Correctly complete six Cosmopolitan quizzes (Are You Uptight, Cool As A Cucumber, Or Everyone’s Doormat?) and include results as an addendum to Form 371b.

• Maintain stable, no-drama friends-with-benefits relationship for a full year. Include eight signed affidavits from both participants.

• Include recording of the sound of one hand clapping with completed forms 99-bbb through 101-aag.

• What is love?

• All of these forms must be delivered by pigeon to a gap that 8 inches wide that opens in an enchanted rock in the Toledo office between 3:32 and 3:30 p.m. on Feb. 29, if you are pure in heart and whisper the password. The password is on the 930th page of Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past,” but it is only visible to people who have read all six volumes. Afterwards, take the pigeon home and teach it how to love.

• Go back in time and kill Hitler. Then, go back in time to repair the damage you have done by doing so. Take a picture of yourself standing behind him at Munich to prove it and append it with form 9222222-gggionqet.

• Pronounce “zwbieglkrysf.”

• Truly understand the musical contributions of Prince. Include six doves with form 93as93as93 who will testify for you.

• I’m thinking of a number. What is it? Whisper it to a reed. Clip the reed, bring it to my daughter, and successfully answer the three riddles she will pose you. Be careful of the elf!

• Also, photocopy your driver’s license eight times. Burn all copies. Photocopy it six more times and mail Joe Biden your favorite. Enclose his response letter with form F945.

• Fax this to us. NOTE: We do not have a fax machine. Be creative about getting us one!

• Fix sexism. Bring us six pieces of the glass ceiling, folded in a manila envelope signed and dated by Eleanor Roosevelt.

• Telephone this number and stay on hold for 8 hours. Do not hang up or wander off or the clock will reset.

• Attach detailed description of exactly what Meatloaf won’t do for love to the left corner of Form 1579.

• Call 202-466-893[weird smudge] with any questions.

Groups Without “Tea Party” or “Constitution” in names

• Please draw a picture of a spider.

• Here are three wines. Taste them. Compare them. If you like, drop Carol a note to say which one was your favorite. But no pressure, obviously.

• Did you enjoy the chocolates we sent? Good. This wasn’t a question, I just felt like checking in!

• Draw a picture of something that makes you happy

• How great is President Obama? (A) Great (B) Just super! (Either answer is acceptable.

• Here is a blank page. Write your name really big.

• Sign this form and mail it back for a free phone! Otherwise, no sweat.

• This form just contains the phone numbers of six young men we think would be good matches for your programming director Dana. Go get ‘em, Tiger!

• Make a dreamcatcher! Or don’t. Just thought you might have fun.

• Smile!

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.