Justin Bieber
What did Clinton do? (Philippines / Reuters)

Possibly you have not yet heard about Justin Bieber’s urinary exploits because you have been leading your life correctly. If that is the case, stop reading and go back to curing bird flu, or whatever people do who don’t hear the Justin Bieber news. I assume it is important, and I do not want to keep you from it.

But probably you have indeed learned from TMZ, which broke the video, or another source that the Canadian Scourge urinated into a bucket at a restaurant, then angrily spritzed a photo of Bill Clinton with cleaning fluid shouting, “[Expletive] Bill Clinton!”

This is what passes for geopolitical commentary these days, so I think it’s important to analyze it with the exact level of painstaking, excruciating detail that Nancy Pelosi did not advise for the Obamacare bill.

What could be at the root of this dislike? Bieber is (as we keep repeating to clear our name as a country) Canadian. He was not in the country for That Scarring Moment When The News Forced Your Fifth-Grade Teacher To Explain What Sexual Relations Were, Haltingly, And With Great Discomfort. What does he have against the 42nd president? Kosovo? He and Clinton share many interests and hobbies. According to his autobiography, “Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story,” “I really like . . . Girls . . . Girls . . . Girls . . . Girls . . . Girls . . . Girls . . . Girls.” (Although Bieber goes on to note, “Nah, I’m joking. I don’t mean that. There are lots of things I really like besides girls. Like pizza. And pranking. And CHUCK NORRIS.”)

What is it about Clinton? Did NAFTA rub Bieber the wrong way? Was it Socks? Was it the fact that Bill plays the saxophone and Bieber does not? Really, I’m at a loss. I’ve been scanning through Bieber lyrics for clues to his political opinions, and the results have not been promising.

“Na na na, na na na, na na na
Yeah girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
If I was your boyfriend”
(Maybe he’s into monogamy and objects to Bill Clinton’s much-publicized lapses? Is it the former president’s generally acceptable grammar that bothers him?)

“We’re under pressure,
Seven billion people in the world trying to fit in”
(Clinton did not do enough to deal with overpopulation?)

“As long as you love me
We could be starving, we could be homeless, we could be broke
As long as you love me
I’ll be your platinum, I’ll be your silver, I’ll be your gold
As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me (love me)
As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me (love me)
(I don’t know, some sort of commentary on inflation or currency, possibly?)

“Baby baby baby ooooh baby baby baby oooh baby baby baby oooh”
(Literally nothing here.)

One of the most upsetting things about the Clinton era, in retrospect, is the fact that it brought us Justin Bieber, but I doubt he blames Clinton for that.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.