Sit! (Shannon Stapleton)
Sit! (Shannon Stapleton / X90052)

World, this is why we can’t have nice things.

There is a channel for bored dogs.

Dogs are getting their own cable channel because barking at Paula Deen and Judge Judy was not stimulating enough.

I was going to say that the only channel not already geared towards dogs was the one that showed British costume dramas, but then Downton Abbey came along with a dog as a prominent featured character and forced me to rethink even this stance. Really, all TV is geared towards dogs, except possibly the Weather Channel, which — based on the response of all my family dogs to thunderstorms — is the dog equivalent of a channel playing Human Centipede on loop.

Then again, according to its initial releases, Dog TV is more than just Fun Running Things To Pant At. The channel has decided to feature Things That Alarm Your Dog played on loop at increasing volume — ideally to desensitize the dog, but, as Now This News points out, probably just to cause your dog to destroy large items of furniture while you are out of the house in order to calm itself down. (I wish I knew of any activity as relaxing to a human being as destroying a sofa seems to be to a canine. I would do that activity all the time. Once I tried chewing the leg off a chair, just to see if it really did have a soothing effect, but it brought me little solace and I think I gave myself lip splinters.)

When it is not desensitizing dogs to the things that frighten them, I don’t know what the dog channel shows. I assume most of the programming revolves around frisbees.

But of course the critics are vocal and destroying their squeaky toys already. One already dictated an essay suggesting that Dog Netflix was the new Dog HBO, although the dog noted that “Doghouse of Cards” was underwhelming and featured much more political backbiting (but not the fun kind of backbiting) and much less stacking cards on top of other cards to form a pile that could tip over at any moment if you leaped up onto the table than promised.

Dog TV critics were already up in arms about the lack of Emmy nods for the channel, and also for The Americans, where Dog Critics praised Keri Russell’s performance as “not a real treat, but the next best thing.”

Some Dog TV critics complain that the channel relies on broad, outdated stereotypes, especially the prime-time shows on Dog CBS. They know that this is a “golden age of Dog TV,” but for once they would like to see a character that isn’t just a violent dog antihero who tears the family living room to shreds upon receiving news of his diagnosis, then tries to bite Aaron Paul on the leg. Dog TV critics also thought the Oscar telecast was too long, and missed Billy Crystal, who at least looked like he might be about to throw something.

The Dog Parents Television Council is already up in arms about a show that consists entirely of slow close-ups of fire hydrants, mailmen approaching slowly down long sidewalks and the legs of visiting strangers who are kind of nervous around dogs and you can just smell it on them. There were also complaints that all the participants in the Puppy Bowl were wearing insufficient padding.

To Catch A Squirrel has done well in screenings, although there may be a lawsuit from dogs featured on the program who insist that they were just hunting for a tennis ball, got momentarily distracted and wouldn’t have known what to do with the squirrel if they’d caught it.

As far as movie programming, “Must Love Dogs” has been criticized for the time it takes the two lead characters to meet and the fact that one of them disappears immediately from the movie, although John Cusack and Diana Lane’s lower legs have received praise. “Cujo” has been praised as a compelling portrait of the disintegration of a noble mind. “Stay” with Ryan Gosling and Ewan McGregor disappointed most viewers. “Lords of Dogtown” also disappointed, but just because dogs thought it was not Heath Ledger’s best work.

(Cat TV is just a faucet.)

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.