Great Scott, that classy gentlelady across the pond who always wears the tasteful hats and coats is AS WE SPEAK producing a child of some kind. The Royal Baby is upon us! This is doing for the conclusion of the facts of life what the Clinton era did for the business end.

Naturally you have questions. I have answers.

Boy or girl?
The royal baby will transcend the gender binary. The Royal Baby will wear purple at all times and be named Etienne or Manila or D-Day or St. Crispin. The Royal Baby will have a royal gender reveal party on his or her royal third birthday, at which there will be cupcakes.

What is the Royal Baby’s daemon?
The Royal Baby’s daemon is an ermine, but a friendly ermine.

What house will the Royal Baby be sorted into?
Totally Hufflepuff.

What is the Royal Baby’s midi-chlorian count?
I thought we had agreed to forget that midi-chlorians ever happened.

What is the Royal Baby’s fighting style?
Havok with bursts of super-strength.

Is the Royal Baby a mutant?
Yes, but not omega-level.

What is the Royal Baby’s superpower?
The Royal Baby can transfer coats of arms to stray pieces of fabric and stationery with a touch.

What is the Royal Baby?
The Royal Baby is a riddle wrapped in a mystery swaddled in a hand-knitted enigma from a matronly older lady who has been waiting outside the hospital for several weeks holding balloons and making her grandchildren worry.

What are six things the Royal Baby will definitely not be named?

Simba. Morsi. Hematoma. Knorth. Verdigris Chapelnorth. Robert Galbraith.

Are people just making up pointless information about the Royal Baby that is not based in fact but instead consists of mindless speculation?
. . . No.

Can the Royal Baby cure scrofula with a touch? Should I book Royal Baby Scrofula Tour tickets in advance?
Yes.

Can the Royal Baby HAVE IT ALL?
YES, OBVIOUSLY THE ROYAL BABY WILL ACHIEVE THE MUCH-DESIRED WORK-LIFE BALANCE THAT ELUDES MOST OF US

Will the Royal Baby have to walk around on one of those child leashes?

The Royal Baby will ride behind the child leash on a tiny chariot, holding a tiny scepter, dragged by other small children on leashes, and those small children will consider it a PRIVILEGE.

Was the Royal Baby disappointed by Tom Hooper’s adaptation of Les Miserables?
The Royal Baby thought the symbolism was too overt and the film relied too heavily on close-ups.

What is a good way of appearing not to care about the Royal Baby?
Tweet a lot about how little you care about the Royal Baby and about how the world is full of misery. The more you tweet about it, the clearer it will become that you do not care. Tweet a great deal about it. Why are you reading this when you could be tweeting?

Is the world full of misery?
Yes.

Does caring a lot about the Royal Baby make it likely that people will be interested in my human baby? I have a lot of baby pictures and I could share those on Facebook if this is the beginning of a wave of general interest in babies?
IS YOUR BABY MADE OF FIRE AND COMING TO EARTH NOW ON A CHARIOT DRAWN BY GRIFFINS, SITTING IN THE LAP OF RICHARD III, WITH A STIRRING SPEECH PREPARED FOR THE MOMENT THE ROBOTS RISE AND SEIZE OUR ORE?

What if it’s a girl? Will we have to behead Kate Middleton?
Henry VIII, who let you in?

What should Kate do immediately?
DUH, DIP THE BABY INTO THE RIVER STYX BUT BE CAREFUL NOT TO HOLD HIM-HER-ACHILLES BY THE HEEL

What should Kate do next?
Telephone Gwyneth Paltrow and place the baby in her custody, where the baby will never have to see protein or gluten again and will wear knitted sunhats and take due precautions when boarding long flights to keep moisturized.

What should Will do?
Offer verbal encouragement!

What do I do with all these feelings about someone I am unlikely ever to meet or see in my life? Is something the matter with us as a civilization?
Call your mother. No, probably.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.