September 10, 2013

Is nothing sacred?

No, it would appear not. Justin Bieber is sprouting a mustache — or trying to, at any rate. The Canadian Scourge continues his malignant rampage over all the things we thought were safe from the sinister clutches of his tenebrous tentacles.

I was going to offer you pictorial evidence (you can find it here) but instead, here is a picture I drew earlier of an elephant who is sad for no reason.

sad elephant

What can we do about this? Mail Bieber razors? Set up a fan so that it blows gently on his upper lip at all times and prevents the thing from gaining a foothold? The latter seems scientifically unsound, but one feels the need to do something! Anything!

Or perhaps not. Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, Certified Nuclear Mustachologist reached for comment via e-mail at the American Mustache Institute, stated:

It has long been the position of the AMI that there is no such thing as a bad mustache, only bad people who neither own nor operate a mustache. We wish Mister Bieber the best on his journey into manhood, and hope this mustache attempt is as permanent as his 49 tattoos.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.