September 18, 2013
This image is courtesy of Google, like everything in my life. (Courtesy of Google / Google)
This image is courtesy of Google, like everything in my life. (Courtesy of Google)

On Wednesday, Google announced the launch of Calico, “a new company that will focus on health and well-being, in particular the challenge of aging and associated diseases.”

Tim Cook of Apple was quoted as saying, “For too many of our friends and family, life has been cut short or the quality of their life is too often lacking. [Calico CEO] Art [Levinson] is one of the crazy ones who thinks it doesn’t have to be this way. There is no one better suited to lead this mission and I am excited to see the results.” I think what he means is improving quality of life, but if you just read the words and squinted a little, you could come to the erroneous conclusion that he wants to stop lives from being cut short.

In the official announcement, Google CEO Larry Page described this as “some longer term, moonshot thinking around healthcare and biotechnology,” which is probably just going to be actual useful research, but just in case it actually is moonshot thinking about how to END DEATH, here are some initial research strategies:

-Conduct a careful search of Google Maps for any ancient fountains that are not accounted for, especially those in Central and South America surrounded by eerily persistent greenery and the bones of Ponce de Leon.
-Recruit Nicholas Flamel to Google to work on zany personal side-projects.
-Figure out some way of transmogrifying people into the form of misguided Tweets that get deleted. Those last forever.
-Avoid contact with other Highlanders.
-Run around dashing pomegranate seeds out of everyone’s hands.
-Hire an overwrought painter to make paintings of employees to see if the paintings will age instead of the employees, if painted with sufficient emotion.
-Turn to the Dark Side of the Force, slay old master, try to avoid standing too close to railings during climactic battles.
-Freeze employees in carbonite.
-Do not marry your mortal sweetheart! Go to the West!
-Lure Death into a box and refuse to let him out until he grants Google customers immunity.
-Post a lot of notices informing Death that other three horsemen of the apocalypse are hanging out without him and trap him/it/concept where he won’t do much harm.
-Just have everyone focus on creating really great works of art that will last!
-Vampires.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.