What happens to humans when they are separated from government for even a day? Well, we start looking to, er, connect.

Numerous sites have cited the spate of Craigslist ads from the DC area from non-essential employees or just sympathetic onlookers, hoping to ease the pain of the government shutdown with a little of the human touch. As of Tuesday, a substantial fraction of the non-essential personnel posting on Craigslist for hookups during the shutdown seem to be searching for three-ways. Maybe there’s a lesson for Congress in this. Maybe not.

Either way, I spent an afternoon responding to the Government Shutdown postings on Craigslist. Below, the postings and my emails. (Some of the postings were not, in their entirety, fit for a family newspaper, so I’ve excerpted them.)


There’s more, but it gets explicit.

Gov’t shutdown; let’s start a sexual revolution – m4w – 28 (DC/ MD burbs/ va)

Are you and otherwise busy and proffessional female government employee that has been left with nothing to do, writhing in sexual angst? Than I have the bi- partisan solution for you–let’s hookup…

Hello, Internet Stranger!
I take as subtext from your posting that you view government dysfunction as an aphrodisiac. I don’t think I can offer what you have in mind, but instead, let’s indulge in a little harmless fantasizing! Imagine: I’m Congress. (This is a fun fantasy, right? I haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey, so I’m sort of flying blind here.*)

There was a time a few decades ago when I experimented with bipartisanship, but those days are over. These days, I pay a lot of attention to polls and I am expert at blowing hard deadlines.

You show up at my place and we get busy in a marathon session where all kinds of acts of congress are proposed! Who knows what will happen? After all, I’ve historically embraced a wide variety of positions, although none for very long, and many of them with the comfort of elderly people in middle America in mind.

“Should we table this measure?” I whisper. “Or do you want to take this to the floor?”

But wait! It’s almost midnight! At midnight, I am forced to remember that four years ago I said yes to something that now makes me uncomfortable, even though the people who should have judged me for it, said it was fine. Repeatedly.

“You can’t undo the past,” you point out. “Really, it’s fine.”

“Can’t undo the past?” I say. “But of course you can!” (For some reason I am quoting the Great Gatsby now.) “Okay, maybe not undo, but you can certainly halt the present!”

Suddenly, I stop everything! But instead of letting you go to sleep, I insist on lecturing you for two hours about how my failure to finish your business is not my fault. You stagger out into the night and donate large amounts to the DNC.

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT? I really hope it’s what you wanted or the debt ceiling discussion is going to be super awkward.

Be well this holiday season,

A

*Like pilots would be if the air traffic controllers currently working without pay get fed up and decide to quit! (I think I read somewhere that analogies help set a mood.)

Gov shutdown fun – m4mw – 24 (Either host)

I am a 24 year old “non essential” who is going to be bored the next couple of days and looking for some entertainment….

Hello Internet Stranger! I know you begin by saying “I am a 24 year old “non essential” who is going to be bored the next couple of days and looking for some entertainment” but I’m going to have to stop you right there because you are not non-essential. I don’t care what the government says. If you’re non-essential, then scientists, food inspectors, intelligence analysts, and programs providing nutrition for impoverished families are non-essential!

Which, technically yes, but no! No.

Nobody is non-essential. You are so essential. Oils have nothing on you. To me, you are essential.

For now, let me say, without hope, or agenda. (Just because it’s shutdown season, and at shutdown season, you tell the truth.) To me, you are essential. And my wasted tax dollars will fund you.

Until you look like this.

Be well this holiday season,
A

Day off lets have fun – m4m – 25 (Alexandria)
Hey all shutdown doesn’t mean we cant have fun, 25 year old here 6’5 and go 220. Lets have some oral fun. Get at me with pics and stats.

Hello Internet Stranger!

The most oral fun I can think of is a vigorous discussion of how we’re going to resolve this breakdown of government!

You requested pics and stats, so please find below some statistics about the cost of the shutdown and the public response to it, along with a picture of the panda (whom we can no longer see due to the panda cam’s having been turned off).

Stats:

  • The Washington area alone stands to lose $200 million a day! That’s like a tsunami!
  • 72 percent of American voters oppose shutting down the federal government to block implementation of the Affordable Care Act.
  • 44 percent of Republicans oppose the shutdown!
  • Total recreation visitors to the national parks in 2011: 278,939,216. (I don’t have a link for this statistic because the National Park Service website is down, but it seems about right!)

Picture:

 

Looking forward to some lively debates!

Be well in this holiday season,
A

Shutdown? Let’s have some fun!! – m4mw – 30 (Falls Church)

[No link due to LARGE WORK-UNSAFE ANTHONY WEINER-ESQUE PICTURE]
Since the government is shutting down, I found myself at home today. Let’s have some fun together. I am a 30 yo white man in town on business, but because of the shutdown I am looking to meet a couple who wants to have some nsa fun. I can host or travel. Look forward to hearing from you.

Hello Internet Stranger!
You mentioned that “because of the shutdown I am looking to meet a couple who wants to have some nsa fun.”

You’re already having “NSA fun” with me right now, in the sense that you are currently reading my email.

I love NSA fun! You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide!

If you’re into this, I look forward to many hours of slowly and meticulously searching for keywords in all your most personal messages to foreign nationals. Actually, this will occur whether you’re into this or not. The fun part of NSA fun is that I do not need permission.

I look forward to checking out your call history too.

I hope this is what you meant.

I don’t have a picture to match yours, but attached please find a series of powerpoint slides detailing my plans for email surveillance.

Be well this holiday season,
A

Bewilderingly enough, I have received no responses so far.

Looking for more shutdown action? Here are some pick-up lines.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.