October 24, 2013
Charlie Hunnam, center, decided "Sons of Anarchy" was safer than "Fifty Shades."
Charlie Hunnam, center, decided “Sons of Anarchy” was safer than “Fifty Shades.”

The wheel of torment continues to spin, and “Fifty Shades of Grey” has reached back into the glass Bowl of Names to find another male actor to volunteer as tribute for the role of millionaire S&M enthusiast Christian Grey. This is after Charlie Hunnam, of “Sons of Anarchy” and “Pacific Rim” fame, had to withdraw, on the grounds that “nothing on the face of the earth is more terrifying than the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ fanbase, and I spend most of my days pretending to be part of a dangerous biker gang, so I should know.” This is paraphrasing slightly, but I think it is accurate. Actually, he claimed he wanted to spend more time concentrating on “family stuff,” which, as always, translates to “A terrifying mob has drummed me out of my previous position, or is about to.”

Now Variety claims that they’ve discovered another tribute volunteer: someone named Jamie Dornan.

But why stop there? Let’s get some back-ups lined up, in case the fandom revolts again!

• Anthony Weiner: It’s not like we haven’t seen it.

• Matt Bomer: The Internet keeps suggesting this! Listen to the Internet!

• Mel Gibson: This would be great, because we could counterbalance the ignominy of the book’s explosive popularity with the total failure of the film. Plus, if he gets forced into hiding by a rabid crowd of Shaders questioning the casting choice, this will greatly increase the prestige of Fifty Shades fans.

• Giant Crustacean: All the people who didn’t see the book would totally see the movie, because how does that even work?

• Giant CGI Robot That Makes Big Explosions: If we’re broadening the viewer demographic, might as well broaden it as far as it will go.

• Mitt Romney: Just until he realizes it isn’t a Centrum Silver commercial.

• Giant Slab Of Bacon Carved To Look Like A Human: Everyone loves bacon! Maybe this will distract from the film’s other themes!

• The Obamacare Web site: The only way to make it less beloved!

• Wishbone.

• Remake this as a video game so that viewers can customize the actor portraying Christian to their own specifications. (Really this seems like the only way out.)

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Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.