November 18, 2013

Who pushed the button? (Sarah L. Voisin / The Washington Post)

Eleven of these are actual theories. One of them is just something I made up. Can you guess which?

1. There was a soul-taking alien present at the assassination, which you can see if you slow the film down.
2. There was a second shooter named James E. Files.
3. JFK was assassinated because he was threatening to be the first UFO disclosure president, and We Couldn’t Have That.
4. Jackie was actually the assassin. (This theory has inspired a Web site titled JackieIsKillerQueen.blogspot.com, which offers a great Q&A. “Question 3: Why did Jackie kill JFK?
Answer: Believe it or not, Jackie was an experienced assassin. She had gained her experience before she married JFK. People who wanted JFK dead knew about Jackie’s secret skills. They made her kill JFK by threatening her and promising her big rewards later. Jackie felt that she did not have a choice.
Question #4: How could an assassin like Jackie be so nice and famous?
Answer: The official fantasy about Jackie has been created by the media, the same media that have created the official fantasy about 9/11.”)
5. JFK was killed by his driver.
6. JFK was killed by the CIA.
7. JFK was killed by the Mafia, working for George Bush Sr.
8. JFK was killed by the Mafia, working for the Illuminati.
9. JFK was killed because of something he did to the Federal Reserve.
10. JFK was not killed at all. He is in a secluded area of the VA hospital in Roanoke, Va., as we speak, although they almost lost him to pneumonia a couple of times.
11. JFK was killed by LBJ.
12. JFK was killed by a combination of most of the above. (“I think it’s pretty obvious, with all the information that we have today, that the whole thing was a planed conspiracy, and the mechanism of it came out of the allegiance between the Banksters, the Military industrial complex, the CIA, the web of Cuban exiles and the Mafia. They already had an assassination apparatus set up for killing Castro, they just decided to switch their targets, and kill Kennedy instead.” Upon his death, President Johnson immediately expanded the war in Vietnam and replaced the United States Notes with worthless Federal Reserve Notes. If President Kennedy had lived and continued printing United States Notes interest free, trillions of dollars that are now going to the Federal Reserve which is owned by the Bank of England, just to pay the interest every year, would have remained in the hands of the American people.”)

Just kidding! These are all actual conspiracies. I thought I had made #1 up, but of course there was video online. This is a classic example of Poe’s Law, as stated by Alan Morgan: “a sufficiently advanced troll is indistinguishable from a genuine kook.”

The JFK corollary of Poe’s Law should state that pretty much anything you can come up with as a JFK Conspiracy theory, short of “JFK was killed by the knoll itself. Untrustworthy, sneaky things, knolls” or “What is a school book depository? Are you sure these are not made-up places? Really the weirdest part of this whole thing is that we have just accepted without question the existence of such a place as the Texas School Book Depository” the theory will already have been embraced by a Web site in a dense small font with lots of images from the Zapruder film and, possibly, incorporated into a movie by Oliver Stone. The more you know.

For more information:
1. Yes. There’s also video, but it’s graphic.
2. More on Files.
3. Yup.
4. JackieIsKillerQueen.blogspot.com has a riveting Q&A. It also offers an intriguing interpretation of the lyrics to “Killer Queen” and the Pink Panther movies as the clue to the JFK assassination.
5. Yup.
7. This Web site includes theories 6 through 9.
9. This is quite a dominant idea and numerous theories find their way back to it. If you want to know whether JFK went to heaven after what he did to the Federal Reserve, this Web site attempts to answer that.
10. Yup.
11. This is a classic of JFK conspiracy theories and this is just one example.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.