Best Buy bargain hunters swarm manager Ramon Estevez as he hands out scarves and hats that will identify those eligible for specially priced door buster sale items late in the evening on Thanksgiving Day, Thursday, Nov. 28, 2013, in Dunwoody, Ga. Instead of waiting for Black Friday, which is typically the year's biggest shopping day, more than a dozen major retailers opened on Thanksgiving this year. (AP Photo/David Tulis) Be careful out there. (David Tulis/Associated Press)

• Portrait that ages so you don’t have to! Big, bold, graphic in one of a selection of cherrywood, mahogany, or gold frames. Perfect decoration for any attic lair! Get one for a friend so you can have a partner as you sample varieties of sin. Be sure to wear lots of rings so they can identify your body later.

• 30 silver pieces in a big baggie.

• Munich 1938

• Wardrobe with a door in the back leading to fun place where it’s always winter.

• Get rid of pesky soul, gain immortality and a fun servant companion of your choice (Mephistopheles is popular, if hard to pronounce) to travel with you and Make Cool Things Happen all the time, like in one of those liquor commercials.

• Insane — INSANE!!! — musical ability that makes your name as a rock star! Don’t even GO to a crossroads! Just carry your fiddle with you to Wal-Mart and murmur “Beelzebub” six times as you jab an elder lady in the shins with your umbrella.

• Eternal LIFE! (Note: package does not also include eternal youth so you might turn into a grasshopper.)

• Fame! Fortune! Premium Cable Access! Blu-Ray player!

• Ability to CHEAT DEATH until you wish it would stop, and then much, much beyond! Enjoy wandering the Earth like a melancholy spirit, holding a big lantern? You’ll LOVE this limited-time offer!

• Save the life of someone you love after you mistakenly trample him or her in a Wal-Mart stampede! (Aren’t you glad you lined up early?)

• Newest Elmo toy.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".