December 6, 2013
Rush Limbaugh (Ron Edmonds / The Associated Press)
Rush Limbaugh (Ron Edmonds / The Associated Press)

The 15 best lines from Rush Limbaugh’s children’s book, “Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures With Exceptional Americans” are hard to figure out. There are so many good ones! This book is currently #12 on Amazon.com, way ahead of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, and I recommend it to any kid who likes to read books written from the perspective of a history teacher named Rush Revere who travels through time on his talking horse, Liberty, asking pointed questions about capitalism. So, everyone, is what I think I’m saying.

Yes, Rush Revere has a talking, time-traveling, time-stopping horse named Liberty who is always hungry. Also, he befriends a quarterback named Tommy and a girl of Native American heritage named Freedom (who can talk to animals with her mind?). He goes back to 1620 and 1621 to teach Pilgrim leader William Bradford about, among other things, the evils of redistributionist economics. I am in no way exaggerating this.

It is basically historical fanfiction that Rush Limbaugh has written about himself — okay, about “Rush Revere” — where he pals around with Pilgrim leaders Myles Standish and William Bradford. And if you don’t believe that this is every bit as amazing as it sounds, here are a few excerpts:

15. “Rush, Rush, Rushing to History!”/”Rush, Rush, Rushing From History.” (This is what Rush Revere says to his magical time-traveling horse, Liberty, in order to get Liberty to open the “time portal.”)

14. “In a way, [mean girl] Elizabeth was like Massasoit. She was the leader or sachem of this school. Students either feared or revered her. She watched and waited for any sign of weakness in her classmates or any opportunity to send the message that she was in control. I wondered when our next meeting would be. And I wondered what happened in the meeting between the Pilgrims and Massassoit. I doubt Massassoit had brought pink cupcakes.”

13. “I mean you might be a mugger or a zombie or even worse, a vacuum cleaner salesman!” (This doesn’t make more sense in context.)

12. William [Bradford] pointed to the frame on the ground and said, “This will be the Common House. It is one of the first buildings. It belongs to everyone. We’ve agreed to set aside our want of personal property or personal gain and instead create a community where the houses and buildings and profits belong to everyone. We are trying to create a fair and equal society.”

11. Liberty interrupted: “Well, if they think they’re going to use me they better think again. I’m not another man’s property. I mean, I used to be but that was in the eighteenth century and just because we’re in the seventeenth century doesn’t mean I’m going to give up my twenty-first century freedoms.”

Liberty’s mouth was so close to my face that his whiskers tickled my ear. I whispered back, “Nobody is going to use you. They might as well try to tame a thousand wild horses with nothing but a whistle.”

10. “A fine answer, Rush Revere,” said William, smiling. “Are you sure you don’t want to be governor?”

9. Liberty again whispered to me, “William really put you on the spot with that question. I couldn’t have dug you out of that one. Nice job answering him! Maybe you should get your own radio talk show. You know, callers call in with questions and you give them advice and stuff. I’d totally call you!”

8. As [Native American visitor to the colony] Somoset used his hand to sample each item, William turned to us and whispered, “He seems like an honest fellow and eager to befriend us.”

“Yes, but can we trust him to stay with us overnight?” asked Myles, suspiciously.

“Rush Revere, what do you think?” said William.

7. I approached William [Bradford] and said, “That was a difficult situation but you handled it well.”

6. “You are always thinking of the future, Rush Revere,” said William, smiling. “I like that about you.”

5. As we finished our sticks of salted beef, I walked over to William and said, “I just wanted to say that I think you make a fine leader.”

William said, “Thank you, Rush Revere.”

4. As we reached the gangplank William Bradford recognized me and said, “Rush Revere! It does my heart good to see you again.”

3. “I’m good. I’ll just sit here and play WordSlammaJamma on my phone.” (Tommy, the football star and secret nerd who accompanies Rush Revere on his travels)

2. “Now then, where was I, oh yes, when Liberty arrived in our time he appeared at the intersection of Washington Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue in front of that iced-tea factory. It was late at night and I was leaving the factory dressed as Paul Revere.” (Rush Revere, explaining how he met Liberty the talking, time-traveling horse. There’s more context for this, but not much more.)*

1. “Yeah, well, I really wouldn’t fit in with the other guys on the team if I admitted that I’m a science geek,” Tommy replied.

I patted Tommy on the shoulder and said, “Exceptional thinking, Tommy.”

Actually, I take it back, this is #1: It’s a letter from William Bradford inviting Rush Revere to the first Thanksgiving.

(letter inviting Rush to the first Thanksgiving) Dear Rush Revere,

The experience over the past several months is not something I want to repeat.

I cringe at the thought of the many hardships I’ve endured: escaping from England, leaving my son in Holland, losing the Speedwell, sailing on the Mayflower, enduring miserable conditions overseas, feeling persecuted by Sailor and Stranger, suffering bitter cold and wretched hunger, and especially, losing my wife, Dorothy. The latter is something that nearly crushed me. However, I survived thanks to the friendship and the support of my friends in the New World. I consider you one of them. You always seem to show up at just the right time and at just the right place. I have struggled to know how to best repay you for your kindnesses. Although I know you expect nothing in return. I’ve decided to have a celebration of sorts. I feel the winds of change and good fortune are upon us. There is much to look forward to. Please accept this letter of invitation. The details are below. I hope to see you there.

Your true friend, William Bradford.

…Who: Rush Revere, Tommy, and Freedom

What: A celebration with games and lots of food

Come hungry!

“Come hungry!”

This book is amazing.

If Mr. Limbaugh wants to stop doing the radio thing and write these books full time, I would be heartily in favor of it. He has a definite gift.

 

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.