This commercial is terrifying.

I feel toward this newly viral Old Spice commercial the same mingling of delight, terror and desire to purchase Old Spice products that I think Aristotle said was the defining characteristic of great art.

The most alarming thing about this ad is how it perpetuates the harmful myth that every mother is a horrifying shapeshifter. Spray this substance on your person, the ad suggests, and your mother will make your adolescence a living hell by stalking you from one location to another, singing and writhing about the floor like some kind of midseason alien on “Doctor Who.”

Yes, I miss that Old Spice guy on the horse with a handful of diamonds, but I’m intrigued by the possibilities of this new substance. After seeing this commercial I am rushing out to the nearest pharmacy to buy a whole ream of sprayable Old Spice cans that I can use to transform boys into men. I know some people who need dates! This will be much more effective than my previous strategy, spraying frogs with an elaborate concoction of AXE body spray and human tears. How do you change them back afterward, though?

If it actually does what the song promises, this substance can definitely be weaponized against Peter Pan. Total gamechanger for Captain Hook.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.