Whoops, moved a consonant. (Sergey Ponomarev/Associated Press)
Whoops, moved a consonant. (Sergey Ponomarev/Associated Press)

“Man,” you have probably been thinking to yourself, “now that Christmas has come and gone, I am sad that it is no longer socially acceptable for me to sit on strangers’ laps or place my children there. I wish there were a place I could go and do that. But not just any stranger. Satan.”

Well, worry no longer! This week brought great news for anyone who has been worrying about the lack of child-friendly Satan statues in public places. Yes, the Satanists are on it! A recently submitted design from the Satanic Temple calls for a seven-foot statue of Satan to be placed outside the state capitol in Oklahoma City. The statue features Satan in his form of Baphomet — according to the Kansas City Star, “a goat-headed creature with horns, wings and a long beard” — and offers plenty of lap room for kids who wish to sit on Satan.

Thank heck! It’s about time!

The group has even mocked up a design and gotten a crowd-funding effort going.

The group behind the proposed statue may not quite be honest-to-Belial Satanists, however. The same Star piece cites a Vice magazine interview with one of the Temple of Satan founders in which he admits that “while the original thinking was that the Satanic Temple needed to hold to some belief in a supernatural entity known as ‘Satan,’ none of us truly believed that. … We’ve moved well beyond being a simple political ploy and into being a very sincere movement that seeks to separate religion from superstition and to contribute positively to our cultural dialogue.” So what better place for this Satan statue than a complex that also sports a privately funded Ten Commandments monument, which the ACLU is suing to remove?

In fact, at least a few bona (male?) fide Satanists do not approve of the proposed statue. Magus Peter H. Gilmore objected to the proposed design in a post on the Church of Satan Web site, noting: “The statue is crudely designed and ugly to me and seems pedophilic, since the caduceus between the goat’s legs is a phallic symbol. … The image appears to show the goat’s left hand possibly caressing the male child. Revolting.

“The Church of Satan requires members to be legally adult and Satanist parents teach their children comparative religion and philosophy so that our children may decide which religion or philosophy would suit their own natures. We do not indoctrinate our offspring, or anyone else’s, and that statue could be seen as symbolic of indoctrination, which is manifestly counter to our philosophy.

“It occurs to me that the efforts by the perpetrators of this proposal may be intended as a means for making Satanism appear foolish and just as dysfunctional and irrational as we secularists view most other religions to be.”

Well, you know what they say. The road to a Satan statue is paved with good intentions.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.