In happier days. (STRINGER/PHILIPPINES/REUTERS)
In happier days. (Reuters)

This day has finally come. The Canadian Scourge has been arrested on suspicion of drag racing and driving under the influence. It wasn’t the Anne Frank comments that got him, or the Clinton tirade, or even that time he snuck out of a brothel disguised as a weird amoeba. It wasn’t the house-egging. Those were minor annoyances, like Justin Bieber himself for many years.

Everyone and his Twitter-ready dog is getting a punch in: “A crazy Canadian getting drunk and going wild? Who does he think he is, Rob Ford? Drag racing? Who does he think he is, Ru Paul? Blocking traffic? Who does he think he is, Chris Christie? Being arrested? Who does he think he is, his own development?” It’s an ugly sight.

But I think this day’s news is best expressed in verse. And now, a villanelle:

Bieber’s arrested for a DUI,
A female passenger was in the car;
Beliebers wail and tweet and faint and cry.

“Never Say Never” fans never say die
But this time has the Bieber gone too far?
Bieber’s arrested for a DUI.

This time no eggs to serve as alibi
No cover as he dashes from the bar,
Beliebers wail and tweet and faint and cry.

A drag race after drinking? Justin, why?
Also, a drag race? That’s a tad bizarre.
Bieber’s arrested for a DUI.

“Forgive him for this? Sure. After all, I
Forgave him for his skill on the guitar,”
Beliebers wail and tweet and faint and cry.

Now Scooter heaves a camera-ready sigh,
“So much for that. Farewell, my superstar!”
Bieber’s arrested for a DUI,*
Beliebers wail and tweet and faint and cry.

Notes:
*Perhaps we should have seen this coming from the “Permit Me” chapter of “First Step 2 Forever,” an autobiography that I insist contains the keys to every subsequent part of Bieber’s life, if only because I paid good money for it, then lost the receipt, so I had to absorb the cost myself.

“Even though I don’t want to be given special treatment,” the chapter begins, “I guess some things are a little bit different for me as I was surprised to be given a Range Rover for my sixteenth birthday. AW C’MON! I was feeling like it was pretty pathetic that I couldn’t drive it because I still hadn’t got my permit. I sneaked a trip around the block one day, and Mom came unglued at me. ‘Justin! You know you can’t be driving that car! You don’t have a license! You don’t even have a permit!’ ”

Later in the chapter, Bieber fails his driving test because he doesn’t realize you have to come to a complete stop before turning right at a red light.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.