The GOP will have a much easier time talking to women once they realize that women can HEAR them.

“They can hear us now? Right now?”

Oh yes. And it isn’t sounding so good.

Mike Huckabee (Former Arkansas Governor, present talking head) made some remarks to the RNC Thursday that have (unfortunately for him) not gone unremarked. You don’t even need an indignation machine to get worked up about this one.

Huckabee said, in full glorious resplendent context,

“I think it’s time for Republicans to no longer accept listening to Democrats talk about a war on women. Because the fact is, the Republicans don’t have a war on women. They have a war FOR women. For them to be empowered; to be something other than victims of their gender. Women I know are outraged that Democrats think that women are nothing more than helpless and hopeless creatures whose only goal in life is to have a government provide for them birth control medication. Women I know are smart, educated, intelligent, capable of doing anything anyone else can do. Our party stands for the recognition of the equality of women and the capacity of women. That’s not a war ON them, it’s a war FOR them. And if the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing or them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it, let’s take that discussion all across America because women are far more than Democrats have made them to be. And women across America have to stand up and say, Enough of that nonsense. “

I think for full effect we have to go line by line on this one, because it’s a doozy. It’s a three-coil steamer. Reading this makes me want to bite the head off a bat. Did he not attend the classes on how to talk to women?

The short version is that you should talk to women as though they are in the room. That’s it. It’s that simple. We can hear you! Assume for a second that GOP legislatures in numerous states were not aggressively trying to regulate the female body, as though it were some sort of dangerous alien species invading the workplace that ought to be carefully controlled. Leave that aside for just a moment, and just think about tone. Every single problem the GOP has had with women and messaging comes down the fact that they keep addressing women as though they are not in the room. “It’s okay,” Huckabee seems to think, “I am just speaking in my normal man voice, so no woman will be able to hear or understand! Please, there are no women here. This isn’t a KITCHEN.”

Let’s go line by line.

Because the fact is, the Republicans don’t have a war on women. They have a war FOR women. For them to be empowered; to be something other than victims of their gender.

“Victims of their gender.” Of course! I knew there was a word for it. Here I thought I was female, but it turned out the adjective I was looking for was “gender-impaired.” Women, you see, were born with a vital part missing, the part that allows you to legislate and be addressed as though you are in the room. They are to be pitied, not censured. And certainly not given any free birth control. Make them earn the ability to control their reproductive choices by doing what men do: not having wombs.

Women I know are outraged that Democrats think that women are nothing more than helpless and hopeless creatures whose only goal in life is to have a government provide for them birth control medication. Women I know are smart, educated, intelligent, capable of doing anything anyone else can do.

It’s okay! He can say this. Mike Huckabee has lots of woman-friends.

Also, what’s this about helpless, hopeless creatures with just one goal: birth control? This conjures up a picture of Gollum, frantically scrambling around on the ground muttering something about a NuvaRing. How awful that Democrats think this.

Our party stands for the recognition of the equality of women and the capacity of women.

Aw, it is so sweet of Mike Huckabee to think that women are capable of doing anything anyone else can do! That’s — really forward, given that it is 1906. I hope he votes to encourage our suffrage!

That’s not a war ON them, it’s a war FOR them.

Those are your options, after all. War ON or war FOR. Women can’t wage war themselves! They are supposed to sit on the side and urge you on by giving your their handkerchiefs as favors.

And if the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing or them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it, let’s take that discussion all across America because women are far more than Democrats have made them to be.

Uncle Sugar.

Yes, it is Democrats who have said all that. Democrats are the ones insisting that women are helpless creatures crawling around incapable of controlling their libidos. Democrats are the ones who suggest that if we just tightened our chastity belts a notch, none of us would have these problems, and we wouldn’t waste the tax dollars of Real People on our niche issues. Democrats say that. It’s good Mike Huckabee is here to set them straight. He has a lot of woman-friends.

Once more, with feeling: Women, no matter what anyone suggests to the contrary, are people. And we’re in the room. I know that sounds crazy. Women aren’t people! People are men!

But this is your problem. This right here, this is your problem.

(Hiya, I’m on Twitter! @petridishes)

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.