How we can deport Justin Bieber — listen up, White House!

Bye! (El Nuevo Herald, Hector Gabino, File / Associated Press)
Bye! (Hector Gabino/Associated Press)

It’s time.

It’s finally time.

A petition to deport Justin Bieber has crossed the critical threshold of 100,000 signatures required for a White House response. I don’t know what the White House has in mind, but after they let us down on the Death Star (still waiting!) I think they owe this to the American people.

They’re definitely responding to the petition. (Asawin Suebsaeng at Mother Jones checked.)

Deportation, on the surface, doesn’t look easy.

The trouble is, as Zeke Miller points out over at Time, that Bieber is here on an O-1B visa, and those require you to be convicted of a violent crime or criminal act with a sentence of longer than one year in order to be deported.

But there’s a way out.

Bieber’s type of visa is for individuals with “an extraordinary ability in the arts or extraordinary achievement in motion picture or television industry.”

How did Bieber get that? Surely we can just point out the fact that they’ve given a visa intended for people with “extraordinary ability” to Justin Bieber? This is clearly some kind of mix-up.

Here, in its entirety, is the chorus of one of Bieber’s most famous songs:

Baby, baby, baby oooh
Like baby, baby, baby nooo
Like baby, baby, baby oooh
I thought you’d always be mine (mine)

Baby, baby, baby oooh
Like baby, baby, baby nooo
Like baby, baby, baby oooh
I thought you’d always be mine (mine)

Here is the chorus of another of his songs:

And girl you’re my one love
My one heart my one life for sure
Let me tell you one time
(girl I love, girl I love you)
I’ma tell you one time
(girl I love, girl I love you)
And I’ll be your one, guy
You’ll be my number one, girl, always makin’ time for you
I’ma tell you one time (one time)
I’ma tell you one time (one time)

which concludes:

Me plus you (I’ma tell you one time)
Me plus you (One time, I’ma tell you one time)
Me plus you (One time, I’ma tell you one time)
One time (one time) one time

DO I NEED TO KEEP GOING? I CAN KEEP GOING. I have his autobiography on my desk.

My point is: How did he get an O-1B visa?

Look, in the course of doing this, I have lost everything. My self-respect, my last shred of dignity, which I was saving for later, and approximately 93 IQ points. Now I can no longer perform algebra at anything above an eighth-grade level. Also, this piece pushed me over the maximum limit of pieces you can write explicitly about Justin Bieber without losing your Not-A-Hack card, which hurt. But I felt in my heart that what I was doing was right.

It will all be worth it if I can stop this for the American people.

The O-1B visa site notes: “Extraordinary ability in the field of arts means distinction. Distinction means a high level of achievement in the field of the arts evidenced by a degree of skill and recognition substantially above that ordinarily encountered to the extent that a person described as prominent is renowned, leading, or well-known in the field of arts.” Renowned? Recognized? Sure. I see how he got here.

But extraordinary? No.

White House, this is actionable. You don’t need to get into the weeds on the petition, which says things about how Bieber is making the United States “wrongly represented in the world of pop culture” and how “We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug abusing, Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked,” also going on to claim that he is “a terrible influence on our nations youth.”

Don’t bother with this. The youth are fine. Just revoke the O-1B card on the grounds that there’s nothing extraordinary about him. He’s a vapid, mechanical creation. I attended “My World: 3D” in theaters, and I know whereof I speak. Bieber’s whole charm is that he was essentially selected at random for international fame. The magical metal claw of Unbelievable Success descended from the top of the arcade machine, plucked him out of obscurity, and thrust him upon us, through little virtue of his own. That was his whole appeal. He was just like you, a middle-schooler who could sort of sing, but unlike you, he was internationally famous. Take away the fame, and what do you have?

Certainly not grounds for an O-1B visa, that’s what.

His recognition and status are all that’s keeping him here. But we can take that from him. Look what we did to What’s-His-Name. I literally do not remember who he was!

The White House can rise to this occasion.

There is only one thing we need to do in the mean time, which is: ignore him. Unfollow him on Twitter. Do not talk about him, mention his name, or pay him any attention.

Oops.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.
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Alexandra Petri | January 29