And here's where you can read it! (Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)
And here’s where you can read it! (Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

The New York Times announced Wednesday that it is unveiling a series of new subscription options — NYT Now, a “lower-priced app curated for a mobile audience,” and Times Premier, with “access to content like Times Insider, a new feature that will aim to give readers a behind-the-scenes look at the newspaper and its journalism.” These begin April 2. There will also be a package for Just Food and Just Opinions.

But why stop there? How about:

-NYT Soon: Only trend pieces forecasting the imminent sweep of monocles across the land, penned by writers who were just using it as an excuse to go to Brooklyn, get a haircut and ride a bicycle.

-NYT Too Late: Only pieces about expensive things you should have done to make your child-rearing better but now it’s too late and your offspring are ruined!

-NYT Goop: A combo of trend pieces and stories about expensive household items and how Flying Your Children To Camp On A Jet is a “thing” now.

-NYT Rings: A careful selection of just the wedding announcements that make you kind of alarmed for civilization (“The bride and groom met at a 24-hour cupcake ATM”) and the really WASP-y old-timey ones (“The bride’s mother is literally a credenza”).

-Times Crosswords Premium: Crosswords, Thursday through Sunday.

-NYT Crosswords: Crosswords, Monday through Wednesday.

-Crossed Words: Print crosswords, Monday through Wednesday, mailed to you already partially filled out by someone else incorrectly in pen.

-Times Right: Ross Douthat only.

-Times Correct: Only things Paul Krugman likes.

-Bad Times: Negative reviews only.

-NYT Your Mom: All stories arrive as e-mail forwards with little notes reminding you to call your grandparents and make that dentist appointment.

-NYT Cheap (online): None of the newspaper except for the announcement that “You Have Read 10/10 Of Your Free Articles This Month.”

-NYT Cheap (offline): Only newspapers that other people have read in Starbucks and then returned to the rack, refolded in basically okay condition but with one section missing.

-Times Up: Just obituaries.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.