Faithful GOOP readers, just because you’re in a rough patch doesn’t mean you have to put your stomach in a rough patch! Remember, anything natural made from something that resembles a food item a normal person might eat is something you don’t want to put in your mouth, at any cost. If you want to treat yourself, sip as much of a Ben & Jerry’s as you can through your heart-eye.

-wheat substitute formed from the beads beneath a fairy’s wing
-a charcoal drawing of blue cheese
-grass (just regular grass!)
-wheatgrass
-lichens
-anemone milk
-a scarab’s cloak
-aura of a box of chocolate
-skunkweed amuse-bouche
-sculpture in the form of a crab
-six small white rocks balanced on top of each other
-almond hemp
-coconut substitute coconut
-gnome-gossamer kale
-beet corpuscles
-as much of a steak as you can sip through a straw
-lingonberry kelp
-certain mushrooms

I assume Gwyneth is handling things well and wish her the best in this rough time. In her absence, I will be penning GOOP in what I hope is a reasonable facsimile of her style.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.