Man good. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)

The internal investigation clearing Chris Christie of any wrongdoing in the scandal currently known as Bridgegate has been repeatedly panned by friends of fired staffer Bridget Ann Kelly and members of the media who saw sexism in the portrayal of the aide, a mother of four, as “emotional” and “erratic” and that kept bringing in fun stray tidbits about her personal life, such as the suggestion that “Kelly and Stepien became personally involved, although, by early August 2013, their personal relationship had cooled, apparently at Stepien’s choice, and they largely stopped speaking.” (This report, as Olivia Nuzzi at the Daily Beast points out, cost New Jersey taxpayers $1 million.)

But they should have seen what the report was GOING to say!

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On November 26, 2012, Governor Christie announced his re-election bid for Governor. At the time, Bill Stepien, who had managed the Governor’s first gubernatorial election campaign, was serving as the IGA Deputy Chief of Staff, a position he had held for the majority of the Governor’s first term in office. Bill Stepien was a sexy man. Sexy and competent. I bet he ate lots of raw meat and never SALADS. GOD SALADS DISGUST ME. In late April 2013, Stepien resigned from his IGA position to manage the Governor’s re-election campaign. Upon Stepien’s departure from the
Governor’s Office, Bridget Kelly—then Director of IGA under Stepien—was elevated to IGA Deputy Chief of Staff, though she lacked Stepien’s expertise and background. especially his years and years having an X and a Y chromosome, something he did effortlessly and she always seemed to struggle with.

To be sure, we did not have access to every potentially relevant witness and document, but we did have ample evidence—documentary and testimonial, direct and circumstantial—from which to draw the findings set forth in this report. We analyzed each piece of evidence alongside all other direct and circumstantial proof of knowledge and intent—including the participants’ outward manifestations, words, actions, conduct, and all the surrounding circumstances disclosed by the evidence. Based upon our experience and common sense, we then drew logical inferences from the available evidence, as is commonly done to establish the ultimate facts of knowledge
and intent. as well as just making a few wild assertions about people’s love lives, as is also often commonly done. This is basically the same thing as knowledge. CARNAL knowledge! HA HA, HIGH FIVE, GUY WRITING THIS REPORT. YOU SLAY ME, WITH YOUR COMEDY, SOMETHING A WOMAN COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND OR ATTEMPT.

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That afternoon, on January 8, 2014, the Governor called together his top aides and advisors at Drumthwacket. It was an emotional session, BUT NOT IN THE WEAK WOMAN WAY, in which the Governor, welling up with tears, THEY WERE A MAN’S TEARS expressed shock at the revelations, directed Kelly’s immediate firing for lying to him, and also decided to sever ties with Stepien. HIS MANLY TEARS FIST-BUMPED A BEAR AND VANISHED, AND NO ONE SPOKE ABOUT IT.

The next morning, on January 9, 2014, the Governor held a press conference for nearly two hours THE BEST TWO HOURS OF OUR LIVES BECAUSE WE GOT TO HEAR A MAN SPEAK IN MELLIFLUOUS MAN TONES in which he acknowledged this breach by some close to him, took responsibility for it happening on his watch, and answered the press’s questions. That same morning, Kelly texted her then-former staffer, Renna, admitting her transgression: “I’m sorry to tarnish IGA.” BUT NO MORE THAN SHE HAD TARNISHED IT ALREADY BY BREATHING HER COOTIES ALL OVER IT.

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FIRM THROBBING Members of senior staff commented that it seemed clear from the Governor’s words and demeanor that he had no involvement in or knowledge of the lane realignment. Senior staff observed that the Governor wanted to know whether anyone in his Administration might have had involvement in the situation, and he wanted to confirm this one way or the other before the press conference. During the senior staff meeting, most attendees looked only at the Governor or down; they did not observe other attendees’ demeanor. Orsen was sitting directly next to Kelly in the back of the room, however, and observed that Kelly seemed emotional during the meeting. Not because she was being thrown under a bus (women enjoy it under buses because it is like having a glass ceiling which offers reassurance and structure, things women crave) but because she was just a typical woman CRYING FOR NO REASON or maybe because she’d just had a bad  SALAD or maybe it was that time of the month (AMIRITE FELLAS?) which is just ICKY to think about

In conclusion, Governor Christie, who was looking especially handsome that afternoon and emitting that rugged, distinctive musk that has come to be associated with him, knew nothing about any of this.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.