(ComicNeue.com)

You can’t fix Comic Sans.

You can neuter the font, you can reupholster it, you can put a serif on it, but you cannot fix it. Comic Sans must be razed and burned to the ground until no stick of it is left standing on another. We must do to Comic Sans what some people want to do to Medicare.

Merely revamping Comic Sans serves no purpose. It is like reupholstering an Iron Maiden. Even at its best, it will never quite be comfortable to sit on, and you should just give up now and seek repose elsewhere.

Yet someone — designer Craig Rozynski — is doing his level best. I salute him for the effort. He has created Comic Neue, a take on Comic Sans that tries to sand off its uncomfortable blob-crayon edges and replace them with something more Professional. But why? Comic Neue does to the font what Jennifer Grey did to her nose. The result is palatable but unmemorable.

Comic Sans is a feature, not a bug. It is not bad: It was just drawn that way. The case both for and against Comic Sans was best stated in the epic McSweeney’s rant, “I’m Comic Sans, [Common Euphemism for a Rude Person].” The font takes the mike and unloads: “You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans … While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.” It’s as true now as it was the day it was penned. It captures the strange ranty man-child vibe that Comic Sans will gladly impart to your every document.

Comic Sans is the Ogden Nash of fonts, the poet who said he’d “rather be a great bad poet than a bad good poet.” Comic Sans is a great bad font. Leave it that way.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.