Chelsea Clinton announced on Thursday. (Andrew Kelly/Reuters)
Chelsea Clinton announced on Thursday. (Andrew Kelly/Reuters)

You asked.
We groaned.
And now, we answer.

HOW WILL CHELSEA CLINTON’S BABY IMPACT…

-Women’s empowerment?
SO MUCH. Baby was announced at a Female Empowerment-themed event. Chelsea specifically said “I certainly feel all the better — whether it’s a boy or girl — that she or he will grow up in a world full of so many strong, young female leaders, so thank you for inspiring future generations, including the one that we’ll be lucky enough to welcome into our family later this year.” Baby plans to be born clutching two glass ceilings in its fists. He or she will crush them dramatically in front of the paparazzi, lean close to the mic and whisper, “That’s what happens when you stand between a woman and a position of power.” It’s going to be amazing.
-Debate on global warming?
Not as much as you might hope.
-Debate on moon landing?
Baby definitely has inside info on what happened but until baby stops being fetus and becomes baby, difficult to know what this info is.
-Outcome of future wars?
Difficult to say. Depends on whether Chelsea remembers to dip it all the way into the River Styx without holding it by the heel, or we could be looking at another Achilles situation.
-Midterm election?
Big media strategy is certainly underway. Chelsea’s Baby is already scheduled to feature prominently in: e-mail forwards from your grandma, listicles, strange photoshoppings and the occasional Buzzfeed quiz. It will not abate. So, er, not all that much.
-Current Game of Thrones plot?
Massively. This whole thing is a distraction intended to create confusion about who killed King Joffrey.
-Balance of the Force
Depends on baby’s Midichlorian count. No such thing as Midichlorians. Balance of the Force should be fine.
-Standings of Big Babies North West and Prince George?
Ultimate outcome will not be determined until the Celebrity Baby Hunger Games have concluded and the last cannon has sounded.
-Popularity of the name Khaleesi?
It’s all on you, Chelsea.
-The 2016 election?
Probably not all that much.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.