You might as well have one of these. (Nathaniel Grann for The Washington Post)
You might as well have one of these. (Nathaniel Grann for The Washington Post)

Bad news for users of Internet Explorer: You have been using Internet Explorer.

Worse news: Your browser has what People Who Would Know are describing as a “huge security flaw” going all the way back to “zero day.”

No, I’m sorry, at the risk of sounding like every snarky, snide hack on the Internet right now: The biggest problem here is that YOU HAVE BEEN USING INTERNET EXPLORER.
DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO WORK A COMPUTER? I AM SO INDIGNANT THAT I AM HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY IN ORDER TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS!

Using Internet Explorer is the browser equivalent of sending emails IN ALL CAPS. It implies that you don’t know what any of this is all about and you have a big list of Things To Ask My Daughter Sharon When She Gets To Town on a legal pad next to the computer, which you refer to as ‘the machine.’

Why do you do this to yourself? Are you a masochist? Are you atoning for something? Why would you voluntarily choose a browser experience that is like navigating the Internet through a thick soup? Did you download something illegally one time that you feel bad about so that now you have decided to don the Internet equivalent of a hair shirt, always mildly annoying all the time, intruding even on what should be joyous moments?

Is this typical of your life? DO YOU JUST ACCEPT THE WORST POSSIBLE VERSION OF THINGS THAT ARE HANDED TO YOU? When you go to restaurants, and they ask you how you want your burger, do you shrug and say, “However you would be pleased to hand it to me, but preferably the way that is worst?” Do you never alter the manufacturer settings? Is your computer background still the Large Field With Blue Sky and Green Grass that came with it when you got it?

It is time for you to choose another browser. It has been time for years. In Internet years, you are functionally Amish.

You should choose wisely. Here are some other browsers and the people who use them:

Internet Explorer: You like your experience with the Internet to be actively unpleasant. You never change the manufacturer settings. Your password is Password.

Firefox: You “get it.” Or think you do. Hey, remember when you got that CEO fired?

Safari: The same as Internet Explorer, but at least you had the sense to buy a Mac.

Opera: What? What are you doing? How did you get this browser in the first place? You are truly the 1 percent.

Chrome: Google said its motto was “Don’t be evil,” and you believed them. You like how much the icon resembles a Pokeball. You trust Google. You would get a driverless car. Oh, yes. If Google made a driverless car, you would let that driverless car watch your kids. Also, you like the way it does tabs.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.